Thoughts on the New Year

2012....

Watched a terrible movie a few years about about how the world was going to end this year....

If so, I'm going out with a bang!

This last year was so beautiful...so filled with so many good things.  Moments of joy, tears of sadness, a stomach full of butterflies, laughter, adventure, obstacles to be overcome, heartbreak and the subsequent healing, relationships.  I suppose some of those things were harder in comparison, but equally as good as the other.  I have been mightly blessed this year with people that love me, moments that have made me feel alive, warmth and safety, and relative health of my family, friends, and I.  If you can reach the end of a year and be able to say that, you have much to be thankful for. 

Thank you to those of you who have stood by when I needed a shoulder to cry on this year.  There were many occasions.  Thanks to my family for supporting me as I pursue new things.  Thanks to my friends for providing me with endless entertainment and constant companionship that so many may not ever get to experience.  Thank you to those of you that have taught me to quit trying to be something that isn't right for me right now.  Thank you for telling me its ok to be where I'm at right now....and to push on to the next thing.

This next year holds many unknowns...obviously (since I haven't learned to tell the future yet).  I've got all my eggs in just a few baskets and am anxious to see where life takes me next, but I also know that inbetween then and now...I have a lot of life to live.  I have a lot of moments to savor and a lot of things I'll miss if I move on from this place.  Not to mention a lot of missed opportunities if I choose to not make the most of my time in Spokane...because what is to say that my next move isn't to stay right here?

I don't like making New Years resolutions because I'm as bad as everyone else at keeping them.  Terrible.  However...I do like making goals in my head...not necessarily rock-hard committments, but ideas that I'd like to pursue if the mood strikes and if motivation sets in.  :)

I don't need to lose weight (you kidding me?)....so that is the one stereotypical New Years resolution that I push my nose up at, but there are some other health issues I need to take some focus on.  I guess the most profound one for me is eating in a way that makes me feel good about myself and makes my body feel good.  I have dabbled in gluten free eating for a bit now, and really honestly hate it.  It tastes terrible....and the payoff isn't big enough to be very hardcore with it.  They'll probably discover 10 years down the road that eating gluten free is bad for your health...I should get out while I have the chance.  One thing I am planning on trying a bit this year though is leaning more towards being a vegetarian.  I have watched some documentaries that have broken my heart, and I've decided that if I were to walk up to an animal to say "Oh, you are so cute"...I probably shouldn't be eating it.  If I had to watch my food get butchered, I would never eat it.

Of course, never one to take any committments of the dieting nature very seriously...I will make exceptions for some great pulled pork or pot roast.  I can't pass up those...I'll just push my moral obligations out of my mind for the day.  :)  Also, I'm not giving up fish.  I don't think fish are cute.  No problem there at all.



Man, I've grown up a lot this year.  I've had an assortment of people in my life that have told me how it really is. I've been allowed to see new things and experience different types of personalities that have grown me a lot.  I have learned the importance of taking risks...something I have been sorely bad at for my entire life.  I'm the kid that NEVER rode a bike without a helmet.  NEVER crossed the street without looking both ways.  NEVER ate the cookie dough out of fear of salmonella.  NEVER dove into the deep end.  Now, all of those things were good for me.  I for sure would have been that person that got salmonella, got my 4th concussion, drowned, or got hit by a car.  However, there are other risks that don't present the danger, but require me to trust and depend on God's strength and abilities and not my own. Great things require great risk.  I have lived in my own bubble for so long that getting out of it this year was a culture shock.  Strangely so much exists outside of this self made safety zone....and I'm ready to seek it out.  I'm ready to be honest with myself and with others.  I'm ready to really take a leap that requires complete faith and offers no safety net.  I'm ready to be vulnerable, because if you can't be vulnerable, you won't grow.


But even more so, my most profound desire for this coming year is to rediscover where I am in my faith and learn to live it out in a really authentic way.  I think this last year has really tainted me as far as faith issues go.  I have become profoundly disillusioned with the church and how (not all, but many) portray the Christian faith. 

 I hate all the catch phrases that don't mean anything to anyone outside of this religion.  It has been called "Christianese" and is made into a joke...but seriously....what the heck are we talking about anyways.  What is a quiet time and when did the Bible ever mention that?  When did we start saying we'd pray for people and then not ever actually intend to.  "Waiting on God to open some doors" when in reality he gave you the hands to open them yourself and his guidance to move you as you go through them.  "I'm dating Jesus right now?".  Oh ick...talk about weirding people out that seriously may have considered talking to you if you hadn't said that.  "I'm not feeling led to pursue you right now" (cop-out and could easily be said more accurately as "I'm really not interested in you as much as I should be to date you"...there you have it. Grateful I got to experience that one this year so I can gladly NEVER dish it out to some poor fool anywhere down the line).

I hate that the church has become politically polarized.  Your faith is measured by your political party, and not your belief in Jesus.  My faith has been attacked this year because I believe that God will bless people and move despite sin in our lives.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody makes perfect decisions. Gay marriage.  Abortion.  It happens.  It will continue to happen, even if we micromanage it to death....and in the midst of the political issues, we are forgetting the people in the middle of it.  People that God loves just as much as those that are getting married to someone of the opposite sex or who are choosing to keep their baby. 

Christianity has become something that deters people...It has become something that I struggle with constantly for different reasons...but I'm thankful that the struggle exists because its defining my beliefs and giving me peace about the things that truly matter in it all.  So what matters and what do I know above all else.  Jesus lived.  Jesus died for me.  I am saved because of that.  My life is meant to mirror his.  My life frequently doesn't mirror his.  Thankfully his grace covers my shortcomings.  That's really all I need to know...and that is what I need to remember as I walk into this next year.  I want my life to boldly announce that I love Jesus...  You can shout that and attempt to show it, but its a heart thing.  I pray that my heart will be in the right place this year, so that my actions aren't attempts to show Christ's love, but geniune outpourings and extensions of his love for me.

So, 2012.  Here is to a year of growth.  A year of challenges.  A year of embracing those big moments...taking chances....making moves....praying hard...living fully.

Happy New Year!

Mindless....

I have become one with the couch for the last two days due to a nasty stomach virus that happened to attack my poor little, down-trodden immune system.  Now I would say the whole experience has been really uncomfortable and unfortunate on more than one level, but one of the most unfortunate parts of being sick with this kind of crap is that you have no energy to do anything but stare at the TV.  I have piles of books, but holding one up and making my brain work simultaneously wasn't an option.  The only thing I managed to do the last two days was walk to my mailbox, clean out the cat box, and take a shower.  Nice.

Anyways, back to the TV bit.  Don't know if you've ever been up with a sickness and watched TV clear through the night, but they really do advertise some winning products...

Here are my favorites from the last few days...

1) Pajama Jeans



Look at this little piece of majesty.  I could have used some of these over the last few days...

2) Easy Feet



Just in case you didn't have the ability to wash your feet effectively on your own....really?


I'm also currently taking in the new MTV embarrassment called "Friend Zone".  This is absolutely one of the most painful shows that I have ever experienced.  The whole idea of it is that one person takes a friend who they are secretly in love with out on a surprise date and then tells them that they are actually interested in being more than friends.  3/4 of the time it ends badly....obviously.  How would you react if one of your good friends lied to you to get you on national TV...professes his love...and you had to turn them down?  Holy cow.  Awful.  One girl on this episode is going to tell her friend who already has a girlfriend that she is in love with him....uh hello?

Pretty sure I'd rather be in the friend zone forever than be involved in either end of that deal.

Time to feel better and do something less mind-draining...maybe I could hold up that book today.

:)

Hope all of your Christmas' were totally wonderful! 

Best Of:

There is something so great about looking back on a year and discovering where you have been and where you find yourself in the moment today...

This has been a really incredible year...and here is to an equally incredible year next year. 

Because this year was good to me in the musical realm, I feel it is appropriate to share my top favorite songs with you.  I'd share my favorite albums...but I listen to the same four or five all the time and I feel like I'm biased.

Check these bad boys out.... (disclaimer...not all of them are actually from this year...I'm anything but current).

Adele (Set Fire to the Rain):
This lady has guts....and a heck of a set of lungs....  There is probably not a single artist that speaks more to me and most every member of the female persuasion.  She is ballsy and real and has the most incredible voice.  She puts all those no-talent girls that are in music right now to shame.  By the way, this particular song is so amazing.


Bon Iver - For Emma
Holy smokes....top song of the year.  It is so beautiful...and sort of sad.  I love it.



Snow Patrol (Set Fire to the Third Bar)
I know, 3 songs in and two of them have almost identical titles.....
Check it.  I typically am pretty anti-Snow Patrol because they aren't really my kind of music usually, but this one.....amazing.



Neil Diamond (Sweet Caroline)
Boston. Red. Sox. 
Can you tell how anxious I am to hear back about grad school?  Only two more months.



Ingrid Michaelson (Can't Help Falling In Love)
Anyone who has spoken to me in the last month knows how obsessed I was with the movie Like Crazy.  It was set for limited release only but it came to Spokane....and made my life.  Ok, I'm being ultra dramatic, but seriously this song is on the soundtrack and blows my mind.  It's an old tune....but this gal does it up well.



Matt and Kim (Daylight)
So eccentric. So catchy.  So wonderful.



Band of Horses (Factory)
I know, I'm light years behind anyone that knows anything about music....but because I am so behind....I love this band.




Mumford and Sons (Little Lion Man)
I just love when a band can use a well placed F word......and this band does just that.
Darn right you F'ed it up this time.



I'm trying to choose songs.....but because I can't choose off these two albums....I just have to showcase the full thing.  These two albums have to be on their last legs since I listen to them so much.

My Morning Jacket (Circuital) 


  

Decemberists (The King Is Dead)



These two......so good.

Stars (Dead Hearts)
This song might actually be really creepy...and by looking at the album cover....I don't really want to know what its about.  It's beautiful regardless.



Steve Earle (Galway Girl)
Because I went there...and I know what the "old long walk" is...
This song played in so many pubs while we were in Ireland, and while Chris and I were strolling around the sea in Galway, we stopped to talk to a guy who told us all about the song and what the lyrics were talking about.  He was probably just hitting on Christie, but at least we got a history lesson out of it.

Looking back

2011 sure has been a year to remember. 
A year of "firsts" if you will...

1st (and 2nd) Solo Apartment



My first adventure as a renter has been a little like a really rickety roller coaster.  The kind that you aren't sure if you'll survive.  My first apartment was festering with black mold and had shower issues that can't really even be covered in one blog.  Let's just say it was awful.  Instead of fixing things though, my landlord had me move all my belongings down the hallway...which put me in both a bad mood and a completely panic truthfully.  But thankfully God had plans to make my life easier....and this apartment has been a huge blessing.  The shower even works.  What more can I ask for?! 

1st Trip to Europe



I literally never in my wildest dreams believed that I would go to Europe.  I grew up in a family that rarely even took vacations to Seattle....we just couldn't afford it.  Europe was that place that the rich kids got to go to on the summer vacations....and it was a far off pipe dream.  Circumstances really lined up this year though, and I was incredibly blessed to have enough money for a ticket and strangely enough money to actually enjoy myself once I got there too!  We spent 9 days exploring Ireland (we did the full loop...what incredible scenary), and I finally got to see a piece of my past.  Even more unbelievable to me was the opportunity to spend a night exploring Paris during a long layover.  Seeing the Eiffel Tower was the singular most incredible thing I've ever experienced.  The whole thing still feels like I dream, but I have pictures....and I've never had a dream that could produce proof!  :)

I marked off so many bucket list items in 10 days....

1st Pet of my own (that isn't a fish)



Call me a cat lady....everyone else does.  But I love this little guy.  His name is Scooter, and he is badly behaved and pees when he gets scared, but I couldn't ask for a better roommate.  I would love to get him a dog to hang out with, but only cats are allowed in this apartment, so I suppose that will have to wait.  Regardless, he is a great first pet...he will go down in the record books as one of my all-time favorites.  He follows me around like my own little shadow, would rather sit on my lap than anywhere else, and is always waiting at the door when I come home. Perfect little companion!

1st Time seeing any ocean (I actually saw both this year...win!)


           PACIFIC                                  ATLANTIC
    

I know...I turned 25 this year and I had never seen the ocean.  So, I decided to go out with a bang and see both...in a span of two months.  I saw the Atlantic Ocean for the first time in Ireland.  This picture was taken at a lookout on our tour of the Ring of Kerry in Killarney.  This was literally the first time I had seen the ocean...and this doesn't even accurately capture how excited I was.  The other picture is taken at Cannon Beach on a lazy Sunday with the Boboths on the Coast.  They really blessed me with the most perfect day I've had in a long time. 

1st Experience being "the Maid of Honor"



My beautiful best friend got married to her long-time boyfriend this summer...and it was the most perfect and beautiful wedding I've ever experienced.  The most striking thing was how much love was in the room...between friends and family and Matt and Tracey.  Being the maid of honor was such a huge responsibility that I had built up in my mind, but despite a few mistakes on my part, Tracey was the exact opposite of a bridezilla and the whole day was perfect and relaxing and wonderful.  And they are about to experience their first Christmas as husband and wife....so cheers to that!  :)

1st Trip to the East Coast



Oh Boston.  My heart has been totally captured by this place.  I had never been to the East Coast before, so this was a really huge trip for me as well.  There is so much history here and so much that I had always heard about, but never imagined I'd see for myself.  Any opportunity to travel and see the world is so unexpected in my mind, and coming to Boston was truly a unique experience of a lifetime.  It is fantastic to see something outside of my norm....because the Pacific Northwest is SO different from the rest of the country.  More Boston to come...hopefully!

This year certainly has been fulfilling and surprisingly wonderful in so many ways.  I'm unsure of what next year will bring.  Change...lots of change.  That I can be sure of.  I'm coming up on 7 months left in my current job position.  Ending at this job will provide a huge sigh of relief, but also a really strange transition as I have truly grown to love my co-workers and will feel a little lost without them for a while.  I'm currently holding my breath for grad school acceptance and financing to come through for next year, and praying that I don't have to explore other options if that doesn't pan out.  Nothing comes super easily though....so, I guess I better be ready for anything!

I'm also anticipating training for my first half marathon at the end of May.  I've got my eyes set on the Coeur D'Alene half, with training starting in the end of February.  I have on-going issues with an old knee injury, so the key is going to be avoiding blowing it out completely. 

As for New Years resolutions....I don't have any.  I won't keep them anyways...let's be serious.  :)

Christmas parties are starting up this next week and things are going to get absolutely crazy, so in case I don't check back in until after the New Year....

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!  Enjoy this joyous season with your family and friends!

Dani

Lessons

Just a little tidbit from the homeless shelter to put our Christmas spending in perspective.

We are treating a handful of our guys and gals to Christmas gifts this year.  These individuals have helped us clean up during our closed hours and have consistently been selflessly giving of their time to pour into the place that they call home.  They are really valuable to our organization, and honestly a Christmas present is the least that we can do.

So we have posed the question of what they would like for Christmas. 

One of our guys asked us for batteries to put into his walkman.  Batteries.  That is all he wanted.

Talk about motivation to stop and put to shame the fact that I just paid 200 bucks for my own personal Christmas present to myself....let alone the several hundred more that I will give and receive in gifts this year.  And this guy wouldn't even have batteries to listen to his radio if someone hadn't offered.

Because I work for a social service agency and I am touched with the depravity that is so prevalent in our community....I'm going to insert my PSA for the year.

Please be generous with the money that you have been blessed with this year and give to worthwhile organizations that will use your money to bless others.  Catholic Charities, UGM, the little red buckets for the Salvation Army, Volunteers of America...they are all so worthwhile and working together to bring hope and a sense of wholeness to a community that desperately needs it.

I hope that your holidays are kicking off in joyous fashion! 

Just thinkin....

Did I mention I went on vacation last week? I'm turning more and more away from being a play-by-play blogger...mostly because I've read a few travelogues that were ridiculously boring because the writer assumed that everyone cared about the tiny details of their trip.  I'm assuming you don't...so I won't go there. 

However, I did go to Boston and I did have a great time....and I would like to talk to you about it for as long as you want in person if you ask me!

I'm watching Sister Wives right now (I know....they are ridiculous and I'm ridiculous for watching it...so sue me) and they are taping in Boston this week.  I have to admit that when they did the little fly through of some of the sights of Boston, my breath caught a little bit.  I guess I can't really explain it, but I feel very taken by Boston.  There is something about it.  The area is rich with history, everyone has an agenda, and life is moving quickly and differently than in Spokane.  It was fun.  I really loved it.  I think it officially has landed on my short list of places that I'd consider in the future for school or for a job.

I told my Mom when I went there that I wouldn't go and want to stay, but I must say that I wanted to stay.  I guess that part of me knew that might happen...I fall in love easily with new places.  When I left Tahoe all I could think about was getting back as soon as possible.  I applied for jobs, I schemed...I never went.  God had other plans for my life for these few years, but I'm coming up on a big shift in my identity starting this summer.  My job is over in July and this place that has consumed my life for the last year and a half is fading into the shadows.   I also am incredibly indecisive which leaves my friends drained and my family confused.  I can't ever decide what the next step is and it changes every five minutes.  The things that I told my friends about two months ago are completely off the table now.  It could be school.  It could be a job.  It could be staying here.  It could be going.  It seems like the more I plan the more unsure I am, so the predominant part of me is realizing that I have an assortment of opportunities that I can move towards and the Lord will provide a clean break for the right one.  My best made plans suck...so I just need to be open and TRUSTING.

One thing I do know is that I'm in a totally different place than any of my friends.  I'm single...I'm relatively free to take a leap and risk failing a little bit.  The pit of my stomach tells me to stay right here and be safe in the environment I'm used to, but my heart is telling me that that relational part of my life may be moving so slowly because I'm meant to do some exploring.  I'll never have another chance to up and move somewhere and gain some perspective and experience something outside of this life I've always had.  And that is pretty exciting....

So if you are making a trip to the East Coast anytime soon, hit me up!  I went the wrong way every other time that I got on the subway, so inadvertantly I covered a lot of ground and have a bunch of tips!  :)

Also, it snowed in Spokane yesterday.  It is officially time to retire my dreams of sunshine....until June.

Honestly...

Some people say Taylor Swift is a psycho....

In fact, I think I've said that before.

The girl is brutally honest about her personal life...to a fault sometimes.  She isn't afraid to really air her dirty laundry and although I admit that it's kind of disturbing to some extent (she may be a stalker...I don't recommend that), it is also sort of liberating.  Hear me out.  I have been thinking some lately about how only certain levels of public emotion and honesty are acceptable.  Guys are discouraged to share their emotions in our society, and that's a pretty well known fact.  Is it healthy?  No...not at all.  It basically just creates a culture where we have men that aren't able to express basic things that are happening in their life, and I have to believe that ends up bottling up in unhealthy ways.  Look at how many angry and aggressive guys that have found themselves there because they haven't found a way to talk about the things that have impacted them.

Guys aside though, I think that the ladies are suffering just as much from a shared expectation from society of what is kosher to talk about and what is off limits.  Take Taylor Swift for example.  Now the preteens love her....but most adults have had at least a few instances where they heard her lyrics and shut her off because they hated her music or commented on how ridiculously boy crazy and resentful she is.  You know what?  I'm pretty sure that if all of us where to be honest, we are just as boy crazy/resentful/ridiculous as Taylor Swift.  That's why to some extent, I think she is refreshing. 

I think honesty is only respected to a certain point in our society.  I think its ok to be honest if someone is asking you to be honest.  But certain levels of honesty really freak people out.  And not because it affects them personally....but because they feel like its overkill.  Now Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriends may have reason to feel skittish.  They are totally getting dogged on.  But what girl, if given the opportunity to be unclassy for a moment, wouldn't dog on an ex-boyfriend.  We all have things to say and we all have hurt feelings that haven't cleared up and we all have been disappointed to our cores and changed by events in our past.  And God gave us the brains and the abilities to express that with other people and to let the feelings flow sometimes....in appropriate places and with appropriate audiences.

So you still feel hurt by that one guy WAY back in the day that crushed your dreams.  I think that's ok.  It impacted you.  And even if you aren't telling anyone that it impacted you, it did.  I feel like there is a stigma in relationships that you have to move on at a certain point or you are desperate....typically that point is when the other person has moved on and is "unaffected".  Well guess what...even if you've moved on, it doesn't mean it doesn't still affect every move you make in relationships today.  There is a stigma of what is acceptable to have affecting you still...and the idea that you don't talk about things after a certain point because its your fault you aren't getting over it.  I've been doing counseling with the counselor at my work for the last year, and after spending a lot of time hashing through most aspects of my life, I'm realizing that a lot of issues come to the surface when you can't work through things and be honest with safe people in your life. 

Or what abut how you really feel about someone?  Do you feel totally played and let down?  Do you feel an overwhelming love for someone that you could never seriously express that to?  And even if you don't express that to that person, is there someone you CAN express it to....to let it out a little bit.

I'm seeing the value in honesty.  You can pretend you are nonchalant and cool all you want, but I'm pretty convinced we are all desperate fools in more ways than we want to admit.  I know I'm a fool most of the time.  All of the above are true in my life.  I am completely impacted by the mistakes I made in past relationships...and I'm completely impacted by the mistakes that the other person in those relationships made.  I feel totally played and kind of screwed over at the moment, and I can't do anything about it.  It wasn't my fault and I wasn't unreasonable in my expectations.  I also have a deep love and appreciation for certain people in my life that I feel uncomfortable expressing that too.  Its easier to pretend like I don't really care than to open myself up criticism or a mediocre return of those "loving feelings".  Life is incredibly challenging....and we are SO not as cool and collected as we say we are.