Watched a terrible movie a few years about about how the world was going to end this year....
If so, I'm going out with a bang!
This last year was so beautiful...so filled with so many good things. Moments of joy, tears of sadness, a stomach full of butterflies, laughter, adventure, obstacles to be overcome, heartbreak and the subsequent healing, relationships. I suppose some of those things were harder in comparison, but equally as good as the other. I have been mightly blessed this year with people that love me, moments that have made me feel alive, warmth and safety, and relative health of my family, friends, and I. If you can reach the end of a year and be able to say that, you have much to be thankful for.
Thank you to those of you who have stood by when I needed a shoulder to cry on this year. There were many occasions. Thanks to my family for supporting me as I pursue new things. Thanks to my friends for providing me with endless entertainment and constant companionship that so many may not ever get to experience. Thank you to those of you that have taught me to quit trying to be something that isn't right for me right now. Thank you for telling me its ok to be where I'm at right now....and to push on to the next thing.
This next year holds many unknowns...obviously (since I haven't learned to tell the future yet). I've got all my eggs in just a few baskets and am anxious to see where life takes me next, but I also know that inbetween then and now...I have a lot of life to live. I have a lot of moments to savor and a lot of things I'll miss if I move on from this place. Not to mention a lot of missed opportunities if I choose to not make the most of my time in Spokane...because what is to say that my next move isn't to stay right here?
I don't like making New Years resolutions because I'm as bad as everyone else at keeping them. Terrible. However...I do like making goals in my head...not necessarily rock-hard committments, but ideas that I'd like to pursue if the mood strikes and if motivation sets in. :)
I don't need to lose weight (you kidding me?)....so that is the one stereotypical New Years resolution that I push my nose up at, but there are some other health issues I need to take some focus on. I guess the most profound one for me is eating in a way that makes me feel good about myself and makes my body feel good. I have dabbled in gluten free eating for a bit now, and really honestly hate it. It tastes terrible....and the payoff isn't big enough to be very hardcore with it. They'll probably discover 10 years down the road that eating gluten free is bad for your health...I should get out while I have the chance. One thing I am planning on trying a bit this year though is leaning more towards being a vegetarian. I have watched some documentaries that have broken my heart, and I've decided that if I were to walk up to an animal to say "Oh, you are so cute"...I probably shouldn't be eating it. If I had to watch my food get butchered, I would never eat it.
Of course, never one to take any committments of the dieting nature very seriously...I will make exceptions for some great pulled pork or pot roast. I can't pass up those...I'll just push my moral obligations out of my mind for the day. :) Also, I'm not giving up fish. I don't think fish are cute. No problem there at all.
Man, I've grown up a lot this year. I've had an assortment of people in my life that have told me how it really is. I've been allowed to see new things and experience different types of personalities that have grown me a lot. I have learned the importance of taking risks...something I have been sorely bad at for my entire life. I'm the kid that NEVER rode a bike without a helmet. NEVER crossed the street without looking both ways. NEVER ate the cookie dough out of fear of salmonella. NEVER dove into the deep end. Now, all of those things were good for me. I for sure would have been that person that got salmonella, got my 4th concussion, drowned, or got hit by a car. However, there are other risks that don't present the danger, but require me to trust and depend on God's strength and abilities and not my own. Great things require great risk. I have lived in my own bubble for so long that getting out of it this year was a culture shock. Strangely so much exists outside of this self made safety zone....and I'm ready to seek it out. I'm ready to be honest with myself and with others. I'm ready to really take a leap that requires complete faith and offers no safety net. I'm ready to be vulnerable, because if you can't be vulnerable, you won't grow.
But even more so, my most profound desire for this coming year is to rediscover where I am in my faith and learn to live it out in a really authentic way. I think this last year has really tainted me as far as faith issues go. I have become profoundly disillusioned with the church and how (not all, but many) portray the Christian faith.
I hate all the catch phrases that don't mean anything to anyone outside of this religion. It has been called "Christianese" and is made into a joke...but seriously....what the heck are we talking about anyways. What is a quiet time and when did the Bible ever mention that? When did we start saying we'd pray for people and then not ever actually intend to. "Waiting on God to open some doors" when in reality he gave you the hands to open them yourself and his guidance to move you as you go through them. "I'm dating Jesus right now?". Oh ick...talk about weirding people out that seriously may have considered talking to you if you hadn't said that. "I'm not feeling led to pursue you right now" (cop-out and could easily be said more accurately as "I'm really not interested in you as much as I should be to date you"...there you have it. Grateful I got to experience that one this year so I can gladly NEVER dish it out to some poor fool anywhere down the line).
I hate that the church has become politically polarized. Your faith is measured by your political party, and not your belief in Jesus. My faith has been attacked this year because I believe that God will bless people and move despite sin in our lives. Nobody is perfect. Nobody makes perfect decisions. Gay marriage. Abortion. It happens. It will continue to happen, even if we micromanage it to death....and in the midst of the political issues, we are forgetting the people in the middle of it. People that God loves just as much as those that are getting married to someone of the opposite sex or who are choosing to keep their baby.
Christianity has become something that deters people...It has become something that I struggle with constantly for different reasons...but I'm thankful that the struggle exists because its defining my beliefs and giving me peace about the things that truly matter in it all. So what matters and what do I know above all else. Jesus lived. Jesus died for me. I am saved because of that. My life is meant to mirror his. My life frequently doesn't mirror his. Thankfully his grace covers my shortcomings. That's really all I need to know...and that is what I need to remember as I walk into this next year. I want my life to boldly announce that I love Jesus... You can shout that and attempt to show it, but its a heart thing. I pray that my heart will be in the right place this year, so that my actions aren't attempts to show Christ's love, but geniune outpourings and extensions of his love for me.
So, 2012. Here is to a year of growth. A year of challenges. A year of embracing those big moments...taking chances....making moves....praying hard...living fully.
Happy New Year!
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