Contentment

There truly is something to be said for finding a place of contentment in your life.  I think I have often wanted to say that I feel content.  That I feel secure with my job.  That I feel secure with the fact that I live alone and don't have that companionship that most of my friends do.  That I feel ok with the fact that everything in life has changed since college ended, and although it hasn't been perfect....that it's ok.  But I haven't really felt that way....despite wanting to.  I have felt sort of abandoned.  Sort of out of the loop and unsure how to figure out where I stand and what my value is.  Most of the time I feel like I don't measure up, and yet somehow I want to put on this facade like I do.  


I hit a turning point this last week somehow....maybe because I have chosen to listen to God's voice instead of glossing it over with my version of things.  Maybe because I'm realizing that by always wishing life was something else...something just a little bit better and a little bit happier, I'm trading in something really valuable for nothing in return.  I have written on this stage in life before....and as I look back, I've seen real growth.  Honestly this period in life has been really difficult, because it isn't what I had expected all along.  Its 100% different than how I always envisioned my life being at this age, but you know what?  


When I really kick back and consider what I have, I newly feel so content despite the discomfort.  That may not make sense.  I have been praying a lot this week and trying to listen to God about where he has me in life and what he is working on.  We had a church sermon on Sunday about suffering in life.  I wouldn't say I'm "suffering" per say.  I know a lot of people who are truly suffering, so I'm not even going to go there, but I do know that discontent has riddled me for some time.  Evaluating where I am and seeing where I've been, I see such purpose in what it is that I'm doing right now.  I'm in this in-between stage, and although it isn't grand and it isn't exciting and it may feel lonely sometimes, I'm growing.  I'm discovering who I am and what I'm all about and what I stand for.  I actually for the first time in a long time feel like I can stand up for myself and chose something that is good for me purely because it is good for me....and not because it is the decision that will please everyone else.  


Some of that comes from my job.  I have been stretched to the max this year with the occupation that I have chosen to pursue, and it comes with a lot of ungraceful moments and a lot of learning wrapped up in them.  Working with people who have made some of the biggest wrong turns in life challenges me to evaluate the things that I perceive as wrong turns in my life, and question whether it is really a mess-up or just an uncomfortable moment.  God has such grace with my life everyday and he redeems the bad moments.  I have also learned a lot about who I am from my co-workers.  I was challenged with really different personalities this year to work with...people that I automatically clicked with, people that I had to work really hard to stand on a daily basis, and people who I had to work at to have a friendship.  People that come from every walk of life and challenge me and my values and my thoughts.  They have made me stronger in who I am, and more sure of where I stand.  They have also broadened my horizons and challenged me to be open to new things and new experiences and to not take life so seriously. Gosh, such a valuable experience this year has been in my life, and it is something that I never expected or wished for.  Am I content in that?  Yeah.  So content.


One value I have really been challenged with this year is my perceived notion that marriage is one of those milestones that should come at a time right outside of college.  2 years outside of college and counting and I've never seriously dated anyone and have been completely out of practice for 5 years. It isn't an easy road to take...and I know I perpetuate it.  I'm a picky person.  I refuse to settle and I haven't met or come to the point with anyone that I could even remotely see myself settling down with.  And it isn't easy when you go to wedding after wedding or pass one anniversary after another and realize that life is going full speed for everyone but you.  It isn't easy and it isn't fun to talk about, but realistically I know that if any of my married friends were in my place....they would feel the same way.  Being in this place sucks a lot of the time, and it isn't easy to not believe that everyone else has narrowly escaped this fate except for me.  BUT....and here is the important part of this...I've reached a point where despite the discomfort....I'm growing content with this.  And it is because I see myself growing.  I see myself being fine-tuned and turning into the woman that God has created for some great guy out there that remains to be named.    God made us to be in relationship, but he also never promised that "relationship" would come before we are 25.  In fact, he never even promised that "relationship" would mean marriage.  And low and behold, I have been blessed with outstanding relationship with my beautiful and handsome friends and my encouraging family.  Yet another thing to find contentment in.


“We may pass violets looking for roses. We may pass contentment looking for victory.”


This is such a sweet stage in life.  I sometimes feel like my life isn't flowing with overwhelming happiness, so that means that there is a problem.  Realistically it means...that is life.  Life isn't a movie...no matter how much Hollywood wants to prove otherwise.  It isn't ever going to flow perfectly....but the fact of the matter is that there is such purpose in the way it flows.  Every experience that I have leads me down another path, and what business do any of us have to question the path we are on and pretend like we could do better on our own?  There is such peace in realizing it truly is out of our hands (thankfully) and that the end result will be so much more impressive than we ever could have imagined.


Almost 25 years old and I'm feeling wiser....does it show?    :)