"O Lord, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days;
let me know how fleeting I am!" Psalm 39:4
I think until you are truly faced with death in a really personal way, this doesn't take hold of your heart. I haven't faced it much yet. But I have seen one of my best friends lose her dad in an instant. Without a chance to say everything she would have wished to say if she had known the opportunity needed to be taken. I have watched my Grandma slip away and realized that I never tried my best to let her know what she meant to me. So I guess maybe this blog is about opportunity and risk taking and being vulnerable because God made us to be just that.
I'm really struck currently by how precious and short life is in the imminently terminal illness that has hit the father of one of my old small group family members. It has me grieving for her personally. It has me feeling heartbroken for her family and helpless that there are no words to even make a dent in making it better....from me or from anyone else. Death is such a tragic reality of life, and as I think about it more, I also believe that it can serve as a valuable reminder of how precious our relationships and interactions truly are with those around us.
As I see it, we were made for just such a time as this. In this place...in these circumstances...with these people....in these moments. Everything is purposeful. I guess some people don't buy into that, but I buy into it completely. In fact, I'd stake everything on the fact that God has me right where I am for a definite reason. And I can't help but fully believe that I'm wasting it if I'm taking it for granted. He doesn't owe us another breath or another day or another year. He doesn't owe us anything. This building could fall down around me and I'd be gone, and that would be it. If I ask myself if I'm taking advantage of today and not waiting for tomorrow to make my moves, I'd be lying if I said that I am. There is always next year. There is always 5 months from now. There is this countdown that I've made in my head until the next step in life, but truly...I'm midstep right now. Why try to skip ahead? How much am I missing RIGHT NOW by "looking forward" to everything else.
And relationship wise...don't even get me started. I'm so bad at reminding the people I love that I love them. And yeah Facebook is nice and I can instantly post an "I miss you and I love you" on a friend's wall....but that sentiment has to be lost immediately after it is read. Great...I love you enough to take 2 seconds out of my day to make you feel special....how about taking 20 minutes and writing a letter that actually means something? Or calling someone and letting them know you are thinking about them...just because. Oh my gosh. I am terrible at this. You know what my beautiful and dear friend who lost her dad got to do the day before he died? She spent the entire day in the vet clinic with him because her dog had gotten a hold of some medicine that he shouldn't have. Time. She spent time with him. She shared life with him one last time and will cherish that day for the rest of her life even if it was unglamourous and unplanned and seemed unimportant at the time. Or the day that my Grandma died, I got a letter in the mail from my roommate in Tahoe. It was such a simple act, but I truly can't describe how much that letter meant in that moment. Sometimes written words are as meaningful as time in person or an actual hug. I can't help but think we are missing the point relationally. We aren't taking enough time to be intentional with people. We aren't reminding people we TRULY love them. We are arguing and spreading drama and gossiping and wasting time. When it hits you, it's like a wave...and I'm being hit by a tsunami right now.
So if I'm not guaranteed tomorrow and if I'm not guaranteed another opportunity to tell you that I love you...what the heck am I doing? And I mean tangibly what do I need to challenge myself to do to really take hold of life and LIVE it. I refuse to write some blog and walk away and still go about my business like I have been for the last few years...swept up in technology, swept up in waiting for the next big thing....swept up in myself and what is easiest.... Because for those of you that are reading this....I love you. Individually and specifically. I love that you love me enough to read this rambling. I am blessed and flattered that you have come alongside me in life and are willing to call this crazy girl your friend. And I want to say that more...and I want to show that more.
Life is meant to be full and rich (and short). Don't let yours be lacking...
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
I like it...I like it a lot.
Don't you wish weekends were longer? Maybe that is what vacations are for? Hm. Not getting any of those anytime soon.
I've got some really strong "likes" and "dislikes" going on currently, and because I have a complete lack of other things to talk about...this blog will be dedicated to those.
Do you want the bad first? Sure...let's do that.
DISLIKES
5) Slick roads/sidewalks. I would just like to say that I've experienced 3 very distinctive concussions throughout my life...and I've heard it reported that you are at a greater risk of...
a) dying
b) getting Parkinson's
c) not being able to speak correctly anymore
...if you suffer more than 3 concussions. I'm right on the edge. Living dangerously if you will. Well, as I walked to work today I questioned why I wasn't wearing a helmet....because those roads are a 4th and life changing concussion waiting to happen.
4) Cat scratches. I wish it were humane to get this little monster declawed. Don't worry, don't worry. I won't. But I will continue to threaten it.
3) Washing dishes. Least favorite chore in the entire world. It used to be cleaning the bathroom, but for whatever reason, cleaning the bathroom is now one of the first things I do...as I'm putting off dishes.
2) The idea of giving up sugar for Lent. Now, in the spirit of the organization that I'm employed by, I figured I'd go the way of the Catholics and give up something of importance for Lent. I could give up Facebook, but I am afraid my social life would dwindle beyond what it has already dwindled to. I'm a winter-induced shut-in. Like the elderly (minus the bad hips and false teeth). So instead I'm giving up the one thing that I both need to give up for my own health and that will be the MOST difficult thing I could possibly consider. Sugar. I am a sugar fiend. Less so than one of my co-workers who literally licks frosting off cupcakes...but still....I have my weaknesses. I also have cavities...and sugar doesn't help. So, out it goes. And I will literally be tempted every single day for the entire 40 days, so it will serve its purpose of reminding me of the significance of Lent itself. I still hate thinking about it.
1) Waiting to hear about grad school. I have become a compulsive e-mail checker. Not only that, but I feel like I hear something about the city I am hoping to move to EVERY DAY. It is haunting my life. I find myself looking on Craigslist for cute apartments. I daydream about weekends at the beach. I fantasize about living in a city whose baseball team may actually reach the playoffs....oh man. I should know anytime between this week and the first week of February, but realistically I wanted to hear about 2 weeks ago. Let's get this together. And then the next step (if I either don't get in or don't get the financial aid I need) is to find another option...which sounds worse than this waiting. Praying that my heart it let down easy if it needs to happen that way.
LIKES
5) Crafting (specifically from the Martha Stewart website):
Let's face it. Martha Stewart is a criminal, but she knows her way around a craft room. Today I made tissue paper pom poms to brighten up my apartment, and thank you to Martha...because it worked. I also stashed away the few Christmas decorations that I had up....time for Spring. Now if only the weather would cooperate.
4) The Art of Racing in the Rain
I borrowed this book from my dear friend Whitney after eyeballing it for a long time at every book store I came across. I am a choosy book buyer...I really contemplate my choices. So, getting the chance to read it for free was a huge gift! And it's incredible. Turns out I could have paid full-price and it would have been completely worth it. Now it's not another typical animal book....I know where your hesitation may lie. I also love those books (the ones with the "no-eyed cat" or the deformed dog), but this is totally different. And it's making me glad I live alone, because the tears are flowing pretty consistently with this one.
3) Speaking of living alone....I LOVE my apartment. I think I've voiced this before, but I'm coming up on a year of living in this particular building and I am more and more in love with it every day. I think what strikes me currently about this spot is that I may be moving by late summer and I don't know if I will ever find an apartment that is this cute again. It is white and clean and cutely decorated and functional and cozy and warm and bright. Oh man. I always thought that living alone in a super cute apartment was something that I'd love to do...and low and behold, it actually happened. Excellent. This will definitely be the last time in my entire life that I pay less than $400.00 for something this great....realistically something like this would go for $1000.00 in most big cities. Gotta love Spokane's cost of living.
2) Dancing like a crazy person. Did you know that some members of the church (depending on denomination) don't believe that dancing is appropriate? Unbelievable. Certainly I won't stand in the way of their set of beliefs, but I am SO thankful that my beliefs are the exact opposite. I just love the joy and happiness that you can see in people that are being silly and letting loose! I just watched the most ADORABLE video of a groom and his groomsmen surprising his bride with a choreographed dance to a Justin Bieber song. So great...how can you not love that?
The Biebs Dance
Thinking back on college, most of my favorite moments involved a dance floor. I just had the greatest group of friends that were willing to let their guards down and have fun with each other. I loved it. This reminds me of that.
1) Leggings
I have given in on every level to the trend of leggings. I used to be that girl that silently judged people that wore leggings with t-shirts...instead of under dresses. It seemed kind of revealing and a little like too much information. Well, you know what? I'm all about sharing too much information these days, because I could live 24/7 in leggings. I have managed to acquire quite the stash over the last year. I have gone over to the dark side.
P.S. I actually like this hipster outfit so much I may try it out tomorrow. After church...I feel like church is the one sacred spot where you keep your pants on.
I've got some really strong "likes" and "dislikes" going on currently, and because I have a complete lack of other things to talk about...this blog will be dedicated to those.
Do you want the bad first? Sure...let's do that.
DISLIKES
5) Slick roads/sidewalks. I would just like to say that I've experienced 3 very distinctive concussions throughout my life...and I've heard it reported that you are at a greater risk of...
a) dying
b) getting Parkinson's
c) not being able to speak correctly anymore
...if you suffer more than 3 concussions. I'm right on the edge. Living dangerously if you will. Well, as I walked to work today I questioned why I wasn't wearing a helmet....because those roads are a 4th and life changing concussion waiting to happen.
4) Cat scratches. I wish it were humane to get this little monster declawed. Don't worry, don't worry. I won't. But I will continue to threaten it.
3) Washing dishes. Least favorite chore in the entire world. It used to be cleaning the bathroom, but for whatever reason, cleaning the bathroom is now one of the first things I do...as I'm putting off dishes.
2) The idea of giving up sugar for Lent. Now, in the spirit of the organization that I'm employed by, I figured I'd go the way of the Catholics and give up something of importance for Lent. I could give up Facebook, but I am afraid my social life would dwindle beyond what it has already dwindled to. I'm a winter-induced shut-in. Like the elderly (minus the bad hips and false teeth). So instead I'm giving up the one thing that I both need to give up for my own health and that will be the MOST difficult thing I could possibly consider. Sugar. I am a sugar fiend. Less so than one of my co-workers who literally licks frosting off cupcakes...but still....I have my weaknesses. I also have cavities...and sugar doesn't help. So, out it goes. And I will literally be tempted every single day for the entire 40 days, so it will serve its purpose of reminding me of the significance of Lent itself. I still hate thinking about it.
1) Waiting to hear about grad school. I have become a compulsive e-mail checker. Not only that, but I feel like I hear something about the city I am hoping to move to EVERY DAY. It is haunting my life. I find myself looking on Craigslist for cute apartments. I daydream about weekends at the beach. I fantasize about living in a city whose baseball team may actually reach the playoffs....oh man. I should know anytime between this week and the first week of February, but realistically I wanted to hear about 2 weeks ago. Let's get this together. And then the next step (if I either don't get in or don't get the financial aid I need) is to find another option...which sounds worse than this waiting. Praying that my heart it let down easy if it needs to happen that way.
LIKES
5) Crafting (specifically from the Martha Stewart website):
Let's face it. Martha Stewart is a criminal, but she knows her way around a craft room. Today I made tissue paper pom poms to brighten up my apartment, and thank you to Martha...because it worked. I also stashed away the few Christmas decorations that I had up....time for Spring. Now if only the weather would cooperate.
4) The Art of Racing in the Rain
I borrowed this book from my dear friend Whitney after eyeballing it for a long time at every book store I came across. I am a choosy book buyer...I really contemplate my choices. So, getting the chance to read it for free was a huge gift! And it's incredible. Turns out I could have paid full-price and it would have been completely worth it. Now it's not another typical animal book....I know where your hesitation may lie. I also love those books (the ones with the "no-eyed cat" or the deformed dog), but this is totally different. And it's making me glad I live alone, because the tears are flowing pretty consistently with this one.
3) Speaking of living alone....I LOVE my apartment. I think I've voiced this before, but I'm coming up on a year of living in this particular building and I am more and more in love with it every day. I think what strikes me currently about this spot is that I may be moving by late summer and I don't know if I will ever find an apartment that is this cute again. It is white and clean and cutely decorated and functional and cozy and warm and bright. Oh man. I always thought that living alone in a super cute apartment was something that I'd love to do...and low and behold, it actually happened. Excellent. This will definitely be the last time in my entire life that I pay less than $400.00 for something this great....realistically something like this would go for $1000.00 in most big cities. Gotta love Spokane's cost of living.
2) Dancing like a crazy person. Did you know that some members of the church (depending on denomination) don't believe that dancing is appropriate? Unbelievable. Certainly I won't stand in the way of their set of beliefs, but I am SO thankful that my beliefs are the exact opposite. I just love the joy and happiness that you can see in people that are being silly and letting loose! I just watched the most ADORABLE video of a groom and his groomsmen surprising his bride with a choreographed dance to a Justin Bieber song. So great...how can you not love that?
The Biebs Dance
Thinking back on college, most of my favorite moments involved a dance floor. I just had the greatest group of friends that were willing to let their guards down and have fun with each other. I loved it. This reminds me of that.
1) Leggings
I have given in on every level to the trend of leggings. I used to be that girl that silently judged people that wore leggings with t-shirts...instead of under dresses. It seemed kind of revealing and a little like too much information. Well, you know what? I'm all about sharing too much information these days, because I could live 24/7 in leggings. I have managed to acquire quite the stash over the last year. I have gone over to the dark side.
P.S. I actually like this hipster outfit so much I may try it out tomorrow. After church...I feel like church is the one sacred spot where you keep your pants on.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Will you accept this rose?
I really hate when I am obnoxiously cliche'. I am sometimes though. I enjoy shopping...I sometimes go just for fun. Yuck. I own mostly chick flicks. I'm 25, single and own a cat. I like America's Next Top Model....ew. But worse than any of that, I'm addicted to the Bachelor. Much like a nagging drug addiction, I would require total detox and rehab to get myself out of this hole I have found myself in. But considering my lack of willpower...that isn't going to happen.
My true love affair with the Bachelor started back in college with the season where Jason dumped Melissa on live TV after having proposed to her on the finale. It was devastating...and it got me hooked. I've come back for more every season since then.
This season's Bachelor is the sloppy seconds of last season's Bachelorette, and strikes me as a total punk. I have pretty good radar about whether someone is a punk or not, and he definitely is. But c'est la vie...onward!
The sheer ridiculousness of this show can be captured all within tonight's episode. Thus far, Ben "The Not so Bangin Bachelor" has taken one girl on a date to climb the Bay Bridge in San Fran. I literally cannot think of anything less romantic than climbing up the side of a bridge. Oh wait. Yeah, I can. How about how unromantic it would be if I did that and then pooped my pants whilst climbing. Pooping pants on a first date is kind of frowned upon, I'm afraid.
After conquering the Bridge, they then ate dinner on a pier and had their own personal fireworks show. Don't know about you, but I'm unsure that happens in real life? If I ever want to have a romantic firework filled moment, I will also be sharing it with the 10,000 other people who have crammed into Riverfront Park for the show. Talk about setting unrealistic standards.
Then in the group date immediately following this involved skiing in swimsuits down a street in San Fran.....
1) Trashy
2) I've been a ski bum....and I've gotten snow down snowboarding pants that have safeguards against that. I don't want to know what would happen with a swimsuit.
3) Trashy.....
Last but not least, as if you needed more reasons to not get into this unless you are already addicted, if any one of those girls had a lip fungus...all of them would have it. Enough said. I believe that brings me back to my "trashy" point.
I'm turning on the History channel immediately after this is over. Or reading War and Peace. Anything to remind myself I'm still smart.
My true love affair with the Bachelor started back in college with the season where Jason dumped Melissa on live TV after having proposed to her on the finale. It was devastating...and it got me hooked. I've come back for more every season since then.
This season's Bachelor is the sloppy seconds of last season's Bachelorette, and strikes me as a total punk. I have pretty good radar about whether someone is a punk or not, and he definitely is. But c'est la vie...onward!
The sheer ridiculousness of this show can be captured all within tonight's episode. Thus far, Ben "The Not so Bangin Bachelor" has taken one girl on a date to climb the Bay Bridge in San Fran. I literally cannot think of anything less romantic than climbing up the side of a bridge. Oh wait. Yeah, I can. How about how unromantic it would be if I did that and then pooped my pants whilst climbing. Pooping pants on a first date is kind of frowned upon, I'm afraid.
After conquering the Bridge, they then ate dinner on a pier and had their own personal fireworks show. Don't know about you, but I'm unsure that happens in real life? If I ever want to have a romantic firework filled moment, I will also be sharing it with the 10,000 other people who have crammed into Riverfront Park for the show. Talk about setting unrealistic standards.
Then in the group date immediately following this involved skiing in swimsuits down a street in San Fran.....
1) Trashy
2) I've been a ski bum....and I've gotten snow down snowboarding pants that have safeguards against that. I don't want to know what would happen with a swimsuit.
3) Trashy.....
Last but not least, as if you needed more reasons to not get into this unless you are already addicted, if any one of those girls had a lip fungus...all of them would have it. Enough said. I believe that brings me back to my "trashy" point.
I'm turning on the History channel immediately after this is over. Or reading War and Peace. Anything to remind myself I'm still smart.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Dolla dolla bill ya'll
I sometimes wish I could backtrack about 5 years in my life when I had zero debt looming over my head, a car that worked, a carefree college experience, bright eyes and unabashed hope about what the future had in store....it was so much easier. Now I have LOTS of student debt and more coming, a really snazzy bike (but sadly no car), a not-so-carefree post-college experience, and eyes that hurt and glasses that need a new prescription (but you need good insurance for that....soooo).
About 10 minutes ago I almost put myself into cardiac arrest when I went to change my addresses on my loans and found that I was $850.00 behind on my payments....I looked into it closer and the loans were for something that I don't have loans out for...... Turns out, I think, that the page was a "sample" of how their webpage payments worked. Holy cow...what kind of whacked out move is that to make? Can you imagine how many people have logged in and thought they were looking at their ACTUAL loan payments. Good thing I don't seriously have heart issues....I'd be a goner.
I hate loans. I guess it isn't even the loans I have a problem with..it is bills in general. I wish all my bills were paid in one fell swoop every month. Nothing freaks me out more than knowing I have to make sure that I get my rent check in, my Avista bill paid, my Comcast bill paid, and any loan payments I have paid. Holy smokes... and all on different days. I miss the days in college when I paid rent and utilities to one of my roommates on the 1st and the bill paying was over. There seems to be so much more on the line these days...like my financial future. AUGH!
You know what I don't understand? Having a car payment, student loan payment, credit card payment, mortgage payment, and then having kids on top of it. I am SO not mature enough to handle that...
ha!
I made my first real budget this month....I've never really needed one because I'm a pretty good saver and am pretty careful with my money in general. However, I have big things in mind for this year, and a budget is a necessary evil. No need to divulge the dirty details, but I do only have $30.00 a week in fun money, so if you see me spending more than that....punch me in the face.
Can you tell I have money on the mind? I'm not sure I can stand not knowing about grad school (which is a BIG money issue for the next two years) for another 3 weeks. The planner in me wants to know RIGHT NOW and then the other part of me knows that God knows where I'm headed next year already and that I should chill out. Turns out being a control freak is useless....
But because I sometimes don't have enough optimism in my life...here are a few things to be optimistic about right now.
1) Snow is coming this week. We haven't had much this year yet. I guess it's kind of a pain, but its also beautiful....I could use some beauty.
2) Valentine's Day is coming up this next month. This holiday usually sucks as a single person, but I actually really love it. This year there is a great chick flick coming out in the theaters (Channing Tatum...all the Valentine's gift I need). Also chocolate and flowers are amazing and I usually am lucky enough to receive both in some capacity...
3) I finished cleaning out my closet and officially only own clothes that I adore. Enough of that ugly shirt that I've held onto all these years because I didn't have a good replacement.
4) Even if I have a ton of bills to pay...one thing to remember is that at least I have the cutest apartment ever that I'm paying rent for and I was fortunate enough to get to go to school when some people don't have that opportunity. I'm officially done complaining now! :)
Have a BEAUTIFUL SNOW FILLED WEEK....and if you are unlucky enough to live somewhere where it never snows...go stick your head in your freezer.
About 10 minutes ago I almost put myself into cardiac arrest when I went to change my addresses on my loans and found that I was $850.00 behind on my payments....I looked into it closer and the loans were for something that I don't have loans out for...... Turns out, I think, that the page was a "sample" of how their webpage payments worked. Holy cow...what kind of whacked out move is that to make? Can you imagine how many people have logged in and thought they were looking at their ACTUAL loan payments. Good thing I don't seriously have heart issues....I'd be a goner.
I hate loans. I guess it isn't even the loans I have a problem with..it is bills in general. I wish all my bills were paid in one fell swoop every month. Nothing freaks me out more than knowing I have to make sure that I get my rent check in, my Avista bill paid, my Comcast bill paid, and any loan payments I have paid. Holy smokes... and all on different days. I miss the days in college when I paid rent and utilities to one of my roommates on the 1st and the bill paying was over. There seems to be so much more on the line these days...like my financial future. AUGH!
You know what I don't understand? Having a car payment, student loan payment, credit card payment, mortgage payment, and then having kids on top of it. I am SO not mature enough to handle that...
ha!
I made my first real budget this month....I've never really needed one because I'm a pretty good saver and am pretty careful with my money in general. However, I have big things in mind for this year, and a budget is a necessary evil. No need to divulge the dirty details, but I do only have $30.00 a week in fun money, so if you see me spending more than that....punch me in the face.
Can you tell I have money on the mind? I'm not sure I can stand not knowing about grad school (which is a BIG money issue for the next two years) for another 3 weeks. The planner in me wants to know RIGHT NOW and then the other part of me knows that God knows where I'm headed next year already and that I should chill out. Turns out being a control freak is useless....
But because I sometimes don't have enough optimism in my life...here are a few things to be optimistic about right now.
1) Snow is coming this week. We haven't had much this year yet. I guess it's kind of a pain, but its also beautiful....I could use some beauty.
2) Valentine's Day is coming up this next month. This holiday usually sucks as a single person, but I actually really love it. This year there is a great chick flick coming out in the theaters (Channing Tatum...all the Valentine's gift I need). Also chocolate and flowers are amazing and I usually am lucky enough to receive both in some capacity...
3) I finished cleaning out my closet and officially only own clothes that I adore. Enough of that ugly shirt that I've held onto all these years because I didn't have a good replacement.
4) Even if I have a ton of bills to pay...one thing to remember is that at least I have the cutest apartment ever that I'm paying rent for and I was fortunate enough to get to go to school when some people don't have that opportunity. I'm officially done complaining now! :)
Have a BEAUTIFUL SNOW FILLED WEEK....and if you are unlucky enough to live somewhere where it never snows...go stick your head in your freezer.
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