"Doubt isn't the opposite of faith, it is an element of faith".
I never thought I'd write a blog on doubting my faith, but here I am....writing it...because it has been on my mind and I think others may have valuable insight. I'll tell you a few things that I'm not doubting. I'm not doubting that Christ is my savior. I'm not doubting that I am saved by faith and covered by grace that I absolutely don't deserve. That is unwavering. Life doesn't make sense without God. It truly doesn't. And my life doesn't mean anything without Jesus. Truly. In fact, I think that if I ever came to the point where I felt like I didn't need Jesus in my life, I would have wasted away to something that is not me.
The thing I'm doubting is how this whole religion thing is played out. Back story for those of you that don't know this. I grew up a Christian in a church experience that was more hurtful than helpful. My family was never embraced as they should have been....we searched a lot for the right fit. I hated Sundays. Failure on the part of the church that I was involved with? Probably. Failure on my part for not having a more open mind and stretching myself (even as a kid)? Definitely.
So, after all those years of church, I held deep seated convictions about my faith and definitely walked the walk, but didn't feel it until I got to college. I was a goody-two shoes in high school and college because that was all I had ever been. And I'm not ungrateful for that. I'm not unhappy that I didn't go through a wild phase in life, because I don't think it would have served me well. I got to college and struggled through my first few years with loneliness and feeling like that same nerdy, uncool kid from high school, until I found Campus Crusade for Christ. I got involved by the grace of God, and I believe that wholeheartedly....even now....when I have so much to say about this.
Let me tell you about Campus Crusade when I first started at Eastern. Campus Crusade on a whole is an organization that is dedicated to "Turning Lost Students into Christ Centered Laborers". We heard that every time we met, but to me it served as a place to grow my faith and change me into the person that I am today with the heart I have today. It was led by students and was pretty different in all reality from the normal business model of CRU. Instead of having staff members do 100% of the speaking, we had really legitimate pastors from the area come in and give deep sermons on things like justification and sanctification and give insight into the theology behind our faith. It was also just a lot of fun....I felt like it was so much less about an agenda and so much more about relationships. Retreats.....hang outs for the sake of hanging out....no strings attached. I loved it. I was involved in a leadership role and I even went on Summer Project with Crusade and went to Lake Tahoe and truly grew really deeply in my faith. It is a summer I look back on fondly, but it is bittersweet as time goes on, because I'm still struggling to come to terms with what I was introduced to there.
I guess Campus Crusade isn't on every campus, but I know it isn't unique to this side or area of the country, so I feel like some of you may be familiar with it. It's basic premise is to reach students through evangelism and lead them into discipleship with each other and with staff and cycle that through indefinitely....essentially. For example....my dear friend Whitney. She became a Christian during my first few years in Crusade....simply because she spent a lot of time with my friends who loved her and answered her questions and with a no strings attached attitude decided that she was the coolest....regardless of her spiritual walk. That sort of relationship is infectious, and there honestly was something different about our group of friends and she wanted to know more...hence her current walk with the Lord. He pursued her through us. Genuinely. She was exactly what Crusade loves.....funny thing is though that she got out of Crusade....stayed friends with all of us....and continues to walk closely with God because she is a solid lady....and has solid friends and a solid husband....and she has taken her faith as her own.
Crusade didn't change her life, relationship did. Jesus did.
And this is where my issues come in.
And this is hard to say....because I financially support friends who are involved with Crusade and I do believe that my money is being invested wisely through those beautiful ladies.....but I've still got those nagging issues that I just can't slip past.
1) Campus Crusade is very clear that they are interested in numbers.
When we were on Summer Project, they had us gather information regarding how many people we had shared Christ with on the beaches and at our other outreaches and how many people had accepted Christ. Can I give you my numbers? 2. I shared Christ with two people the entire summer. Can I give you my final number? 0. Yep. I'm one of those kids that went to Summer Project, found out what it was they were wanting for us to learn (how to evangelize), and failed at it. I once heard a staff member talking about whether or not reading through the "Knowing God Personally" booklet and him nodding a few times and sort of praying at the end counted as him accepting Christ. I actually cringe as I write this, because I'm reminded of exactly why Christians are given such a bad name. I could have walked every beach in South Lake Tahoe (and I did) and shared with every person I saw....and I would have walked away without a relationship with any of them. But at least I shared. At least I totally alienated someone's personal space and interrupted their quiet time on the beach to bring up my religion and force feed them questions.
Good. You know what my real problem with that is? That we were led to believe that if we didn't plant the seed, that no one would. Who am I to believe that my words that I exchanged with someone on a beach in Tahoe could mean more than the words that they exchange with their Christian co-workers or Christian neighbors that are actually pouring into their lives? And who am I to think that it doesn't work sometimes....because it does....but more times than not it just leaves a bad taste in people's mouths.
2) This brings me rapidly to #2. I question where the relationship comes into play here? And how do motives play into this? People can see right through motives that are not pure. Like that friend that you can sense is only your friend because you have a car? Convenient that you are friendliest with me when you want me to drive you somewhere....you all know someone like that. Well what about that person that is very generous and very loving and very interested in you, until they find out that you want nothing to do with the lines they are feeding you about religion and never will. And here is where the questioning of my own faith journey comes into play....because I have fed a lot of lines that were not distributed with good motives. I wanted to be the one that prayed that friend or convinced that friend to salvation. What happens when you realize that faith is a moot topic and that life goes on and that you need to decide what your next step is? This is something that I really struggle with about Crusade, because I have seen people be really alienated by the organization on a whole because leaders or those involved with it drop their friendships when they realize that it is a moot point. I'm ashamed that I may have done the same things in my time with Crusade....realizing that friendships with people that are saved are less messy and so much more comfortable than ones with those that aren't saved. Jesus walked amongst those that others found detestable.....he liked those people. He felt they were worthwhile to hang out with.
I'm finding this out as I get out into the real world, and realize that I don't know how to treat people that are different from me. That is a bad indication of my growth as a person in college....even if my faith grew exponentially. Not saying I should feel totally in my element with people playing beer pong and falling over trashed, but I should know how to stand in those situations and know who I am and love those that are with me there....not because I have to or I am trying to convince them of how to live, but because I love them....because I'm living out life with them and that is exactly the way that Christ loved. I never learned that in college. All I learned was how to judge others and throw the right phrases around to make it look like I wasn't being as judgmental and religious as I really was.
3) I don't think that faith or faith-based organizations can run effectively with a pre-packaged model that isn't open to honest criticism from those among them and from outsiders. There is a reason I have never said these things before, because I know that my current Crusade friends may read this and their jaws may drop and they may for a short moment be questioning whether I'm saved or not. I know this because I thought it when I was involved in Cru. Many times. Crusade's name changed this year to CRU....for a number of reasons. But that is a whole different tale. One of my friends commented on a Facebook post regarding the name change by saying how the name change does nothing to address the alienation that the organization continues to bring about unknowingly to the individuals that it seeks to serve. That comment was quickly deleted from the Facebook post it was attached to. That made my heart hurt...because it was a honest. And its true. And no one is willing to step back and take an honest look at why someone who was deeply involved in Crusade activities in college would say something like that. That is a problem.
So where do I go from here.....the crossroads...hence the feeling of crisis in my life. How do I come to terms with the organization that I devoted so much time to and that grew me so much personally, but that I still feel at such great conflict with organizationally. How do I get rid of the bitterness that I share with the many many wonderful people that helped pioneer Crusade at Eastern and that now feel disappointment in what it has become? Because real healing from this will come when I get a better understanding of where I stand and let go of the bitterness....it won't happen until then. And lots of people are bitter. And I hate that. And what about my faith and how I'm living it out practically? I have been asked if I feel like I'm living out the Gospel in my life and in my job. Heck yeah I do. Am I evangelizing? No. I'm not allowed to, because I would lose my job. Am I forming relationships with people that God loves without any real motives (aside from the fact that they really need to feel loved because they are dealing with really traumatic circumstances)? Yes. Jesus desired so sincerely that people would come to him and follow him. And I feel so strongly that I want people to know the Lord as well, but the place I've come to is how much to communicate that....how much do I need to vocalize that....how much do I need to show that without words instead? How do I attack life with my convictions in tow while still loving people without strings attached? How do I avoid alienating people with an agenda?
This is where I doubt what I've been doing for so long. And this is why doubt is an element of faith.
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