watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion...

Well hello strangers.  I have officially fallen off the face of the planet, and forgotten to update this blog on my life or the lives of others around me who are more interesting!

Better play catch up:

Much of my life in the last few weeks revolved around me moving my life 20 feet down the hallway to a new apartment because I unknowingly moved into the apartment from hell in February.

Enough on that though, I'm moved in....water under the bridge....and my new apartment is FABULOUS!  No seriously, if I know you and like you (which I most likely do if you are reading this....hopefully...) you should come visit and eat some dinner, because cooking for myself is lonely and leaves me with more leftovers than my little body can handle.

The other majority of my life was wrapped around getting this beautiful girl married off to the man of her dreams....

Which as you can see, went pretty well.  Tracey planned the most beautiful, organized, thoughtful wedding.  She thought of the smallest details and didn't have an ounce of bridezilla in her....so, that whole day was a total joy!  For my part, I neither tripped on anything or fainted during my toast, so the day was a success.

Now they soak up the sun in Barbados....and although its hot and beautiful here, I still can't help but be a little jealous of that sparkling blue water!  :)

Currently, my life is revolving around sticking my head in the sand to pretend that summer isn't almost over, trying not to go crazy as every single one of my clients is well on their way to that point, and planning a very much needed early November trip to the East Coast!  I've been South, I've been North, and I've been West, but I've never been East....so its about time! Tentatively, we are going to spend a few days in Boston to soak up some history, some Irish pubs and some bad accents.  Then we are headed to New York for 5 days to soak up even more bad accents, cliche tourist spots, hot dogs, and big city lights.

I'm also trying to craft/accessorize my new place, while also trying to catch up on my stack of reading I have in front of me.  I am failing at all of it.  Not to mention that my attempt to not get any more library fines failed this week.  I just discovered 3 books that are 12 days overdue.  Talk about a buzz kill.  

For those of you that like to craft...my friend Jenna turned me on to a site that satisfies every one of my creative bones.  It is www.craftgawker.com and I highly recommend it.  Michael's is my most current happy place.

Other than that, I'm attempting to get back into training for some races, but currently Spokane has a murderer on the loose which makes me less than impressed about running alone.  I'm not super stoked about making the headlines, unless it doesn't involve death....so, finding daylight hours and energy and a safe route has been a challenge.  I was THIS close to buying a Y membership the other day until I snapped myself back into reality and realized I hate the gym with a burning passion.  I might as well buy myself those terrible workout shoes than buy a gym membership.  You know the ones...

Hot huh?  No thanks.  Although I have to admit those would look pretty kickin with my black skinny jeans.

I guess above all else these last few weeks has been a time of being reminded that despite the craziness and the hopes and the disappointments that have unfortunately followed some of the hopes, God is good.  Consistently.  Always.  It is the one unwavering thing in my life that I can attest to, and all else is just part of the adventure.

Dani

"Doubt isn't the opposite of faith, it is an element of faith"

"Doubt isn't the opposite of faith, it is an element of faith".




I never thought I'd write a blog on doubting my faith, but here I am....writing it...because it has been on my mind and I think others may have valuable insight.  I'll tell you a few things that I'm not doubting.  I'm not doubting that Christ is my savior.  I'm not doubting that I am saved by faith and covered by grace that I absolutely don't deserve.  That is unwavering.  Life doesn't make sense without God.  It truly doesn't.  And my life doesn't mean anything without Jesus.  Truly.  In fact, I think that if I ever came to the point where I felt like I didn't need Jesus in my life, I would have wasted away to something that is not me.  


The thing I'm doubting is how this whole religion thing is played out.  Back story for those of you that don't know this.  I grew up a Christian in a church experience that was more hurtful than helpful. My family was never embraced as they should have been....we searched a lot for the right fit.  I hated Sundays.  Failure on the part of the church that I was involved with?  Probably.  Failure on my part for not having a more open mind and stretching myself (even as a kid)?  Definitely.


So, after all those years of church,  I held deep seated convictions about my faith and definitely walked the walk, but didn't feel it until I got to college.  I was a goody-two shoes in high school and college because that was all I had ever been.  And I'm not ungrateful for that.  I'm not unhappy that I didn't go through a wild phase in life, because I don't think it would have served me well.  I got to college and struggled through my first few years with loneliness and feeling like that same nerdy, uncool kid from high school, until I found Campus Crusade for Christ.  I got involved by the grace of God, and I believe that wholeheartedly....even now....when I have so much to say about this.  


Let me tell you about Campus Crusade when I first started at Eastern.  Campus Crusade on a whole is an organization that is dedicated to "Turning Lost Students into Christ Centered Laborers".  We heard that every time we met, but to me it served as a place to grow my faith and change me into the person that I am today with the heart I have today.  It was led by students and was pretty different in all reality from the normal business model of CRU.  Instead of having staff members do 100% of the speaking, we had really legitimate pastors from the area come in and give deep sermons on things like justification and sanctification and give insight into the theology behind our faith.  It was also just a lot of fun....I felt like it was so much less about an agenda and so much more about relationships.  Retreats.....hang outs for the sake of hanging out....no strings attached.  I loved it.  I was involved in a leadership role and  I even went on Summer Project with Crusade and went to Lake Tahoe and truly grew really deeply in my faith.  It is a summer I look back on fondly, but it is bittersweet as time goes on, because I'm still struggling to come to terms with what I was introduced to there.


I guess Campus Crusade isn't on every campus, but I know it isn't unique to this side or area of the country, so I feel like some of you may be familiar with it.  It's basic premise is to reach students through evangelism and lead them into discipleship with each other and with staff and cycle that through indefinitely....essentially.  For example....my dear friend Whitney.  She became a Christian during my first few years in Crusade....simply because she spent a lot of time with my friends who loved her and answered her questions and with a no strings attached attitude decided that she was the coolest....regardless of her spiritual walk.  That sort of relationship is infectious, and there honestly was something different about our group of friends and she wanted to know more...hence her current walk with the Lord.  He pursued her through us.  Genuinely.  She was exactly what Crusade loves.....funny thing is though that she got out of Crusade....stayed friends with all of us....and continues to walk closely with God because she is a solid lady....and has solid friends and a solid husband....and she has taken her faith as her own.  


Crusade didn't change her life, relationship did.  Jesus did.


And this is where my issues come in.  
And this is hard to say....because I financially support friends who are involved with Crusade and I do believe that my money is being invested wisely through those beautiful ladies.....but I've still got those nagging issues that I just can't slip past.


1) Campus Crusade is very clear that they are interested in numbers.


When we were on Summer Project, they had us gather information regarding how many people we had shared Christ with on the beaches and at our other outreaches and how many people had accepted Christ.  Can I give you my numbers?  2.  I shared Christ with two people the entire summer.  Can I give you my final number?  0.  Yep.  I'm one of those kids that went to Summer Project, found out what it was they were wanting for us to learn (how to evangelize), and failed at it.  I once heard a staff member talking about whether or not reading through the "Knowing God Personally" booklet and him nodding a few times and sort of praying at the end counted as him accepting Christ.  I actually cringe as I write this, because I'm reminded of exactly why Christians are given such a bad name.  I could have walked every beach in South Lake Tahoe (and I did) and shared with every person I saw....and I would have walked away without a relationship with any of them.  But at least I shared.  At least I totally alienated someone's personal space and interrupted their quiet time on the beach to bring up my religion and force feed them questions.
Good.  You know what my real problem with that is?  That we were led to believe that if we didn't plant the seed, that no one would.  Who am I to believe that my words that I exchanged with someone on a beach in Tahoe could mean more than the words that they exchange with their Christian co-workers or Christian neighbors that are actually pouring into their lives?  And who am I to think that it doesn't work sometimes....because it does....but more times than not it just leaves a bad taste in people's mouths.


2)  This brings me rapidly to #2.  I question where the relationship comes into play here?  And how do motives play into this?  People can see right through motives that are not pure.  Like that friend that you can sense is only your friend because you have a car?  Convenient that you are friendliest with me when you want me to drive you somewhere....you all know someone like that.  Well what about that person that is very generous and very loving and very interested in you, until they find out that you want nothing to do with the lines they are feeding you about religion and never will.  And here is where the questioning of my own faith journey comes into play....because I have fed a lot of lines that were not distributed with good motives.  I wanted to be the one that prayed that friend or convinced that friend to salvation.  What happens when you realize that faith is a moot topic and that life goes on and that you need to decide what your next step is?  This is something that I really struggle with about Crusade, because I have seen people be really alienated by the organization on a whole because leaders or those involved with it drop their friendships when they realize that it is a moot point.  I'm ashamed that I may have done the same things in my time with Crusade....realizing that friendships with people that are saved are less messy and so much more comfortable than ones with those that aren't saved.  Jesus walked amongst those that others found detestable.....he liked those people.  He felt they were worthwhile to hang out with.


I'm finding this out as I get out into the real world, and realize that I don't know how to treat people that are different from me.  That is a bad indication of my growth as a person in college....even if my faith grew exponentially.  Not saying I should feel totally in my element with people playing beer pong and falling over trashed, but I should know how to stand in those situations and know who I am and love those that are with me there....not because I have to or I am trying to convince them of how to live, but because I love them....because I'm living out life with them and that is exactly the way that Christ loved.  I never learned that in college.  All I learned was how to judge others and throw the right phrases around to make it look like I wasn't being as judgmental and religious as I really was.


3) I don't think that faith or faith-based organizations can run effectively with a pre-packaged model that isn't open to honest criticism from those among them and from outsiders.  There is a reason I have never said these things before, because I know that my current Crusade friends may read this and their jaws may drop and they may for a short moment be questioning whether I'm saved or not.  I know this because I thought it when I was involved in Cru.  Many times.  Crusade's name changed this year to CRU....for a number of reasons.  But that is a whole different tale. One of my friends commented on a Facebook post regarding the name change by saying how the name change does nothing to address the alienation that the organization continues to bring about unknowingly to the individuals that it seeks to serve.  That comment was quickly deleted from the Facebook post it was attached to.  That made my heart hurt...because it was a honest.  And its true.  And no one is willing to step back and take an honest look at why someone who was deeply involved in Crusade activities in college would say something like that.  That is a problem.


So where do I go from here.....the crossroads...hence the feeling of crisis in my life. How do I come to terms with the organization that I devoted so much time to and that grew me so much personally, but that I still feel at such great conflict with organizationally.  How do I get rid of the bitterness that I share with the many many wonderful people that helped pioneer Crusade at Eastern and that now feel disappointment in what it has become?  Because real healing from this will come when I get a better understanding of where I stand and let go of the bitterness....it won't happen until then.  And lots of people are bitter.  And I hate that.  And what about my faith and how I'm living it out practically?   I have been asked if I feel like I'm living out the Gospel in my life and in my job.  Heck yeah I do.  Am I evangelizing?  No.  I'm not allowed to, because I would lose my job. Am I forming relationships with people that God loves without any real motives (aside from the fact that they really need to feel loved because they are dealing with really traumatic circumstances)?  Yes.  Jesus desired so sincerely that people would come to him and follow him.  And I feel so strongly that I want people to know the Lord as well,  but the place I've come to is how much to communicate that....how much do I need to vocalize that....how much do I need to show that without words instead?  How do I attack life with my convictions in tow while still loving people without strings attached?  How do I avoid alienating people with an agenda?


This is where I doubt what I've been doing for so long.  And this is why doubt is an element of faith.

You move me....

You wanna know something?


I really hate moving.  I hate moving my stuff even 20 feet down the hallway.  Moving my stuff even 20 feet down the hallway makes me sit and wonder how long I can live in a studio apartment for, because I never want to move ever again.  Maybe I can raise a family in a studio apartment?  



To top off my general distaste for moving...it is approximately 90 degrees in my apartment building....and I have had a headache for approximately two days straight.  I also managed to gash the sole of my foot open with a loose piece of metal in my apartment the other day.  Kind of like a really unnecessary parting gift....thanks for that, apartment. Its one of those things that probably would have deserved stitches had I taken myself in right away, but like that ever happens?  So while I have thankfully avoided a nasty infection of some variety....the bottom of my foot is black and blue and rebelling against the idea of walking that 20 feet down the hallway ANYMORE


Ok, thanks.....I needed that.  Sometimes complaining is just exactly what the doctor ordered.  


Honestly this week has been a lesson in patience and a lesson in just putting one foot in front of the other and moving along as best as possible.  It was a hard week at work, and continues to be a hard week this week as the last of my co-workers leave this weekend.  I really struggle with saying goodbye...it puts me in a funk for a while. Being the only person left behind to navigate a new group of people is also bittersweet.  Bitter in that I didn't necessarily want to have the original people leave, and sweet because there is nothing that I love more than new people.  


Being the only person left here has made me panic....in a few instances....and also think and pray a lot about what it is that I'm doing here.  I enjoy what I do (some days) and more than anything, enjoyment or not, I know that I am serving in a ministry that is living out the Gospel of Jesus on a daily basis.  Above all else, I need to remind myself of that always....because acknowledging that makes the hard moments less painful...or at least more meaningful.  Heading into my final year here has also made me stop and think about what I need in the future, which to me....the next logical (which doesn't always mean the right one) step is to head to grad school.  Now the great adventure of deciding which grad school is calling my name, taking the GRE, and sending out those applications/attempting to score a graduate level education for free (I know people that have done it....so here's hoping that I'm equally as savvy.)

As for schools I'm thinking about....


1) University of Washington (although this would involve moving...and I'm pretty sure I just swore that off about 2 minutes ago).  It would also involve becoming a Husky, and that is certainly a worst case scenario.


2) Eastern:  The only reason this one is on the list is proximity and cheapness and sentimental value.  Really they don't have the best MSW program and once again....I went there for 4 years already.  Maybe a different locale' is calling my name.


The other schools are on the East Coast and my mom would totally lose all her hair if I told her I was considering those.  Not to mention, how do you move across the country with a cat?  Lots of thinking to do obviously.....


Have a joyous week!


:)