Inventory

"A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted - mostly because I had assumed that there would be a thousand more."

My work has brought me to a place of realization...

There are a lot of wandering souls in this world.  A lot of deeply lonely people who linger and cross our paths on a daily basis.  A lot of hurt.  A lot of unhappiness.  A lot of pain. A lot of people who haven't experienced "happy" or "loved" or "complete" in a long time.  

That realization and that reminder should be enough to make me stop and take a true inventory of my life and realize how blessed I am.  I should actively and daily be thankful for the many many blessings that I have in my life.  And I'm not.  I take them for granted.  I take people for granted.  I take the simple act of waking up in the morning for granted.  I take privilege for granted.  I take hot food and a warm bed for granted.  I take moments of joy and laughter for granted.  And as the quote says, I take them for granted because I assume there is more to come.  I assume that these things will never not exist.  I assume that I am invincible and will go on indefinitely.  I assume that somehow I deserve those things.  

What will it take for us to live with a true understanding of what we really have?  An honest inventory of our blessings?  

As we head into this Thanksgiving season, I'm reminded of how truly blessed I am.  And I'm not talking blessed as in I have the new IPhone 5 and designer duds in my closet.  I'm talking blessed because I have 7 girlfriends back home who pray for me and send me e-mails that make me laugh out loud in public spaces and know me better than anyone else.  I'm talking blessed because I have found people in Boston who complete my soul...those lost links that I never knew I needed in my life and that I would never have met if I hadn't followed God here.  I'm talking blessed because I have family and friends who love me and support me and never give up on me even when I'm not so sure about myself.  I'm talking blessed because I have heat and warm clothes and food that doesn't come out of a trash can.  I'm talking blessed because I have the freedom and the privilege to move forward and chase my dreams when others do not.  I'm talking blessed.  Really blessed.

This month, take some time to think about what you have and spend less time thinking about what you don't have.  And think of ways to give back to others who have less than you!  

Love you all and wishing you well this holiday season!

Dani

Spokane friends!

Hey Spokane friends!

My parents are getting a new kitchen table and are looking to get rid of the one that they have now!  Here are some photos!  They are asking for $75.00 OBO for the entire set.  They have had the table for about 2 or 3 years, and its one of those taller, barstool type set-ups!  Also, it's nice wood from an actual furniture store.  Basically IKEA price for non-IKEA furniture!  :)

Believe me, if I were living in Spokane right now, I'd be putting some major dibs on these!  They are pretty fab.

If anyone is interested, please let me know and I'll get you in touch with them!!  :)  Their new one is coming this week, so they could part with this ASAP!

Much love!

Sink or Swim

Life is precious.

We say this all the time when something bad happens.  When we are reminded of how temporary our stay in this world is.  When we are reminded that we only have a limited number of opportunities to seize the day. When we realize how heavy those unsaid things will be if you never get the chance to let them out someday.  

Life truly is precious.  A few dear friends of mine and a community that I have come to adore and call my family is hurting tonight.  One of their own lost his life biking across the country to raise money.  He lost his life because someone didn't have the good sense to stay off the road when they weren't capable of driving safely.  

We've all seen that story played out in one way or another in our lives.  We've all experienced tragedy, and we will all experience tragedy again.  But how do we respond to it?

This well-loved guy who had a heart for adventure left this world seizing the day.  Seizing the moment. He left the world trying to accomplish something big, and I think an appropriate way to approach a tragedy like this is to look at your own life and see what ways you aren't living big.  What risks aren't you taking? What words aren't you saying?  What opportunities are you missing?  Where is fear taking over and pushing out life?  What regrets will you have if you go out having not done something bigger than yourself?

My friend Ashley is ten million times braver than I am and she is over in Africa taking chances and living life.  She had a pretty wild rafting accident on the Nile not too long ago, and she said this to us when we asked if she was OK.

"My paddle got caught in a wave and the end (with my first) hit me straight in the eye.  Was so worth it, though.  Sink or swim, I'm diving in.  Hope you do the same wherever you are at."

 Life doesn't owe us anything; including time or safety or health.  But we owe it to ourselves and to God (who has given us life and opportunities) to take full advantage and saddle up. 

Sink or swim, I'm diving in.  Hope you do the same wherever you are at.

What I Chase Won’t Set Me Free

So, the Goo Goo Dolls are pretty old school.  I can’t really recall the last time I listened to them.

But as I was riding home on the train tonight, these lyrics kept running through my head…and with the risk of sounding ridiculous (which…what else is new?), they kind of shook me when I started considering them further.

I wish for things that I don’t need

All I wanted

And what I chase won’t set me free

All I wanted

What I chase won’t set me free….that resonates.

Aren’t we all chasing something?  Chasing that opportunity that will land us a bigger paycheck.  Chasing after acclaim and recognition.  Chasing after the American dream…with a white picket fence, husband, and 2 ½ kids.  Chasing after that ridiculous ideal that Hollywood has created and that fairy tales have perpetuated.  Chasing after our friends; hoping that even if it doesn’t feel like we’re keeping up…that we actually are.  Chasing something in hopes that if we reach it, we will feel some freedom.  Freedom to be ourselves more fully.  Freedom to relish in a specified standard of living.  Freedom to do whatever we want.  Freedom to be happy.

Obviously I’m chasing something.  I’m chasing almost all of those things.  Who doesn’t want to get a job when they graduate?  Who doesn’t want to be recognized for being super awesome at what you do?  Who doesn’t want to fall in love in a fairy tale setting with fairy tale circumstances?  Who doesn’t want to push aside all the self-deprecation and cynicism and say for once…yeah, you’re right….I do deserve this and I am worth this much and I am a fabulous catch who should have been one of the first people off the market…not one of the last?  Who doesn’t want to have all the pieces fall in line…perfectly?

But what about the freedom aspect of all of those things.  Freedom. 

Freedom is a really interesting idea because it means that you are being liberated and that something no longer has power over you.  But all of those things I’m chasing actually won’t ever bring me freedom.  Chasing the perfect job?  How about you land that perfect job and then you live with near constant worry about the threat of budget cuts, which is absolutely a reality in my field of work.  A job will be an incredible blessing, but it’s a blessing that can’t ever be taken for granted and which can be ripped away just as easily as it is given.  Chasing those accolades?  Ok, so 50 people stand up and say you’re incredible.  What about the 1 person that really matters who doesn’t stand up and who says nothing.  Isn’t the hurt surrounding that still holding you hostage?  You find the perfect man.  You find him.  He has the sense to notice you exist and are dateable.  You date.  You get married.  You have kids.  What about when sickness happens?  What about when one of you is unfaithful even though you promised each other you never would be?  What about when you realize that your happiness level actually isn’t any higher because he is in your life?   And where is the freedom in telling yourself you are the greatest thing since sliced bread and that you deserve the world?  Because I’m sorry…do I?  Will convincing myself of that bring me freedom?

Actually I don’t really deserve anything.  I kind of suck.  And all of you kind of suck too.  We are all sucky people.  We talk smack about each other.  We do hurtful things to one another.  We are selfish.  We are greedy.  We are manipulative. We care way more about ourselves than anyone else.  We suck.  I suck. 

So what about finding something that is worth pouring energy into?  Thought space?  Time?  Perhaps chasing after something that will ACTUALLY bring me freedom.  Freedom from having to think highly of myself in order to function and feel emotionally stable.  Freedom from having to worry about the next steps because the next steps are planned and trying to negotiate the details of pre-planned plans is silly.  Freedom from having to bend my morals to fit in.  Freedom from believing that in the long run…I am responsible for providing for myself.  Freedom from believing that I have any control over anything.

God is incredibly cool.  I know he is an incredibly uncool topic amongst a lot of people, and perhaps amongst some people that are reading this.  That makes me sad, because he happens to be the only thing I have going for me.  I suck in every other way, as outlined above.  I’m chasing hard after things that I hope will complete me, and despite that, he still sticks around to remind me that if I chase after him…the completing is done.  And he reminds me with Goo Goo Dolls lyrics.

Life is sweet.  And life is incredibly sour right now also.  Curveballs have been thrown and they aren’t fun. Turns out I’m really bad at batting.  But things will get better.  Because life is sweet.  And God is good.  And because he is worth chasing, and even when I forget that, he is still chasing me.

P.S.  The fox is appropriate because he is chasing something, but also appropriate because I saw a fox cross the road in front of me on the way home tonight.  Probably really crappy luck or something....if so, don't tell me.  I've never seen a fox in real life before (except at a zoo), so it was a new experience.  I must admit I had visions of him jumping from the bushes and attacking my ankles, but I'm happy to report that I am home safe and have both ankles securely intact.

I'm silently judging you...

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them"
Mother Theresa

So, Lent is right around the corner.  I already said I'm giving up chick flicks and thinking/talking about relationships.  I need to purge myself from this constant pressure that is set upon us to find someone to love or to be suitable for love yourself.

But I have another area that I need to work on, and there's no time like the present.  I am extremely judgmental.  Exceedingly so.  I judge strangers.  I judge my friends.  I judge choices that others make.  I judge words that others say.  I judge clothes that people wear.  I judge the way that people look.  I judge everything about every one all the time, and I absolutely hate it.  You know why I hate it?  Because the only reason I'm judging others is to make myself feel better about who I am.

You spend $300.00 on a pair of jeans?  That is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.  At least I have the common sense to see what's important in life, and $300.00 jeans are NOT that.

Your hair is so bleached out that you could snap it off.  Trashy.  At least my hair (although I dye it and could just have easily had a bad dye job and had mine snap off too) doesn't look like that.

Your drinking is out of control.  I'm glad I'm not out of control like that.

You are the most ridiculously sheltered and naive person I've ever met.  At least I have lived a little....

You seriously just degraded that homeless person like that?  I would never be so disrespectful EVER as to treat another human being the way that you just did.

Look at just a few of the thoughts that run through my mind on a regular basis.  I just said or thought all of these within the past week.  And that's just a sampling.  I'd be embarrassed to have half of what I think in my head shared with the world.  This is on my mind because who hasn't felt judged...maybe even currently. I feel 100% sure that sometimes when I leave the room, people at the very least discuss me in a way that they wouldn't if I weren't there. As I sat and examined that more, I realized that I don't particularly have the right to be mad about that unless I can say with a straight face that I don't ever do behind the back talking about them.  And I do.

So back to Lent.  I'm a really strong advocate of giving up things for Lent that are actually intended to bring you closer to God.  If I gave up sugar, I wouldn't get closer.  I'd feel resentful and like an addict who has been forced into rehab. So nothing like that.  But what does God think of my judging?  What does God think about others judging me?

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2

Will my cutting down on judging cause others to judge me less?  No, probably not.  You can't change others, but I can change myself, and I can change the way that I respond to the people that God has placed in my life.  We cross paths with people for a reason.  Every interaction has meaning and I truly believe that God orchestrates life in such a way that we are to genuinely grasp on, go for the ride, and love people while doing it.  I am NOT loving people if I'm busy judging them.  I am not allowing myself to comprehend that they have a journey that I have no understanding of.

So, what if for 40 days, everytime I found myself judging someone, I instead think of something that honors God's creation.  God created each of those people I am judging and loves all of them just as much as he loves me.  Yikes. Reality check. So, doing that can look different depending on the situation.  It can look like praying for someone that needs prayer instead of judging the fact that they do.  It can look like finding something positive to say about someone instead of something negative.  It can mean thinking more deeply about where someone is coming from instead of jumping to my self-centered conclusion.  It could even mean stopping to consider why I'm judging someone with the intent of lowering them and heightening me.

I'm doing it. I'm feeling ambitious this year.  There has to be some point in your life where you stop being a selfish brat and start figuring out what's important.  I may be getting there.  I think its a lifelong process, but you gotta find a jumping-off point.

This task will be particularly hard in regards to these areas of my life:
1) Living in superficial Boston...where I seriously think that 1/2 of the city wastes 3/4 of what they spend on clothes, jewelry, makeup, and cars.
2) Having Republican friend that post "judgment inducing" links on Facebook.
3) Rude bus and T drivers
4) Radically conservative Christians...they kill me.  But they also love Jesus and so do I, so time for middle-ground finding.
5) People that don't like cats...I judge you.  It will be hard not to.

So...starting Wednesday, 40 days of dramatic decreases in judgment holding and dramatic decreases in caring if I'm single for all of eternity!  Yippee.  Thankfully I did not give up wine for Lent, so I will partake in that if all else fails! :)

40 Big Ones

I'm not Catholic, despite the best efforts of my boss at the House of Charity convert me.  However, I have taken a liking to the idea of giving up something for Lent, and actually sticking with it.

I am a really big fan of chick flicks.  But let me explain myself.  I'm a big fan of feeling mopey about my own personal life and then coming out of a new movie energized and believing in love again.  I would like to predict that if you were to poll just about any girl, they would say the same thing.  These movies give you a sense of confidence that something spectacular like that could happen to you.

Here is the real problem with chick flicks, and then I'll get back to Lent.

1)  They are essentially emotional porn for the ladies.  Seriously...I actually am beginning to believe that they are just as damaging to women as porn is to men, and here is my reasoning.  Porn provides men with false expectations and allows them to objectify women and play out their own fantasies without actually committing to a living, breathing human-being with feelings.  What do chick flicks do?  They allow women to harbor false expectations about relationships, cause them to objectify men (guilty as charged....I'll admit it), and allow us to play out our fantasies without committing to a living, breathing human being (while also harboring unreasonable amounts of hope that we one day will be committing to a living, breathing human being...preferably one that looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt.)

2)  They are unrealistic....
I'm not talking Sundance chick flicks....I've seen a few romantic movies that are pretty gut wrenching, and I mean that in a way that an actual relationship is gut wrenching at times.  But romantic comedies are seriously a load of bull and we all know it.  Yet somehow, every woman in America has at one point or another felt that a real relationship could actually closely resemble what is portrayed on screen.  If you try hard enough or wait long enough, that guy that isn't interested in you will fall madly in love with you...realizing that he has wasted an unseemly amount of time being a moron and looking right past you.  Hello ladies...speaking from experience...if he isn't interested, he won't be.  No amount of waiting around is going to change that.  When is the last time that you looked at one of your platonic guy friends and decided that after 10 years of knowing them, you are madly in love with them.  Uh, never.  Thank you.  Next point.

3) And likely my most important point....they really promote the idea that your life validation will be found in a man.  You know what?  If my validation is found in a man, what the hell is my faith all about?  I could have sworn that I was validated by what Christ did on the cross for me, yet somehow, everytime I see a chick flick, I have a little piece of that hope smashed and replaced with an inkling of desire for something more.  Something unattainable.  Satisfaction and validation from another person to somehow complete my soul.

I hope that you get where I'm going with this.  I'm giving up chick flicks for Lent.  And more than that, I'm giving up most everything having to do with relationships, because my relationship with my desire to have a relationship is out of control.  It dominates my life.  It dominates my thought space.  It dominates my conversation.  It overpowers some of the things that are most important in my life....and in fact, it overpowers who Lent is supposed to draw focus to, God.  If I spent 1/2 as much time talking to God instead of talking to my girlfriends about stupid non-existent relationships that we all have fashioned out of nothing...I would have a pretty great prayer life.  If I spent 1/2 as much time reading my Bible or catching up with CS Lewis or my main man Charles Spurgeon as I did watching stupid movies that fill my mind with continual amounts of unhealthy expectations...I'd have a much more rockin walk with the Lord.

So, goodbye girly movies, goodbye obnoxious gossipy and fantastical conversations about relationships, and goodbye study sessions being interrupted with daydreaming and wishing.  For 40 days, starting February 13th, I'm spending time relearning what God is doing in my life...outside of the realm of relationships.  So often I think when we say, "I wish I knew what God was doing in my life"...we mean, I wish I knew why this wonky relationship that I've been dreaming up isn't working?  Why isn't God bringing this guy into my life the way I expect?  But I find myself wanting to ask the "What is God doing in my life?" question in a different context.  How about, where is God leading me for my internship next year?  What is God asking that I pursue this year?  What are some things that God is asking me to drop because they are unhealthy for me?  What and where is God pointing me towards when I graduate?  How is God asking me to spend my money (aka his money)?  What is God trying to tell me that I typically ignore or can't hear over the noise in my own head?  That's what I want to know.

So....we'll see.  All I know is that there is a chick flick I'm dying to see on February 14th, and I hope that at the end of those 40 days, my desire to run out and rent it has been pretty much demolished.

P.S.  Too all you fine people who are giving up Facebook or chocolate...you are brave.  If I suddenly were not allowed to eat peanut M&Ms, my body might go into complete shock.  Noble pursuit.  Too noble for me!  :)

Let's get outta here

Second semester of my MSW program has begun.  I'm already tired.  I'm also feeling trapped in Boston, because after reviewing my assignments for this semester, I'm realizing that my Spring Break and reading period will both be spent indoors in front of my computer.  Freedom seems far away, but in hopeful anticipation, I am spending my evening dreaming of all the places I'd rather be than here.

Someone pay the big bucks and go with me here for either the World Cup or the Olympics.  Please.  

Heaven on Earth

Honolulu?  The Boboths?  Yes please....

Bet your bottom dollar you'll lose the blues in Chicago, Chicago

Jay Swanson makes me want to be here every single day of my life...

I might be addicted to Maine...

Craving the Coast right now.

Uh hello. This terrifies me.  And intrigues me.

Wherever I have to go to hold this little guy....awwwww!!!