Ah ha!

I'm feeling super empowered today....which is great after a few weeks of feeling super insecure.  This post college life is an interesting maze, because I'm a totally different person than I was in college.  I went from being a super uncool high school student to being accepted into a huge group of friends and honestly being in the center of everything in college.  Working full time is a whole different ball game, and I feel like I was unprepared for it.  I can't tell you the last time I wasn't exhausted from work on a weekday and felt like hanging out with anyone.  When I do hang out with people on weekdays.....all I'm thinking about is how early I have to get up in the morning and what a long day it will be if I don't get good sleep.  Then Friday nights are useless because I work Saturday mornings and I fall asleep at 10:00 pm anyways.  And then, this may be an adult reality I never understood before, once the weekends come, I'm running 100 miles an hour to catch up on chores, laundry, running errands, etc....  So, the social life that I once found all my confidence in is totally depleted and I'm left coming home every night to this little guy (cute as he may be) and wondering what happened to all the fun. 

In the midst of all of that, God has been working on reminding me of where my value lies and what my idols are that I've been holding onto...like popularity and looks and control and putting all my inherent value into what others think of me.  Funny how easy it can be to make it look like you are totally put together when you aren't at all.  I had a breaking point last week where I realized how miserable I was in this facade. 

I meet with a counselor at work regularly to work through the tough things that we experience every day, and a lot of what we touch on are more personal things.  I was reminded by him today where my insecurities come in and how they are impacting some pretty important aspects of my life.  I can have all the confidence in the world at work and in my job, but if I'm not confident in Christ and in his plan for me and in his plan for this time of self-discovery....then I'm missing a huge chunk of this.  I'm realizing where I need to take some risks and where I need to push past my self imposed limits.  I also need to quit listening to certain voices in my life and quit adding onto wounds that are already there.  I'm not doing myself any favors.

I'm measuring my success in all the wrong ways.  I'm living alone with a cat...with no end to that situation in sight.  So what?  That is what I wanted.  I wanted independence and I wanted to feel like a grown up.  So I got it.  God totally blessed me with a gift of a time to spend time with him and with myself and allowed me the perfect place to do that.  And I'm complaining why?  So I'm single....and have been for a long time.  When did that become a failure.  I'm frustrated that I've allowed myself to feel like a failure because of that.  I could be miserable in a relationship with the first person that came along that showed me any attention and I could be regretting every step of my life since then.  Instead I'm loving what I'm doing professionally, I'm enjoying my friends, I'm involved in an incredible church group, I get to travel whenever I want to, I don't have unnecessary stretch marks....haha.  That isn't a failure.  I refuse to think that way anymore, and for real this time, I refuse to see this time as an interim period before life really begins.  The Christian community has failed its young single women in allowing them to think that life begins when you get married....and until that point, you are in limbo.  There is so much pressure on this period in life, and reaching 25 and still being single is such a downer for those that hit it.  You know what?  No other circle of people anywhere else thinks its the norm to be married this young.  My friends from the East Coast think we are crazy for even considering it.  And even as I watch every other single friend of mine pair off...I refuse to become that bitter person that can't find joy for them.  Good for them!  But good for me too.  I'm doing my thing too, and it holds just as much meaning.

Ahhhh, I should have gone for a run this afternoon...I have way too much energy and excitement about life.  Maybe I'll just clean my entire kitchen.

Also, in another empowering note, I am kind of rocking this little experiment with gluten.  I'm hating it....I'm not going to lie.  However, I'm pretty successful in it, even if its only in the fact that I'm making healthier eating choices and making lunches for work and just staying on top of myself more.  I'm not necessarily feeling better.....but you never know!  My fridge is full of yummy, healthy, home-cooked food.....I think that's a success!  I may not be able to give up sugar for a whole month though....that is harder than expected.  But even if I drastically cut back to dessert one or two times a week, I'll feel good about that.

:)