Wishing and Hoping: November 2012

We had a really good speaker tonight at graduate fellowship through Intervarsity...and I was struck by one thing in particular. Trusting God. I think its almost a catch phrase of Christianity...you need to trust God with your life. Ok. Sounds simple enough right? Ok, I'll say it. God, I trust you with my life.

But do I? Do my actions and my words and my thoughts and my fears say that I really trust God with my life? Because if that's the case...why do I worry about some of the things I worry about? Why do I still spend large amounts of time wondering when Prince Charming is going to come into the picture? Why do I question if the choices I've made to come to Boston were the right ones? Why do I second guess myself all the time? Why do I spend almost all of my decision making time consulting with my own comforts and my own opinions, but rarely consulting with the one that actually matters? When is the last time I prayed about a big decision before I spent hours stressing about it on my own?

I think what it comes down to honestly, is that although I constantly give lip service to the phrase "I trust God", I don't really trust God. I trust him in some things.....fully even. But I can't hand over the reigns. It's like I know better...I've got a better handle on it than he does.

I have recently picked up an old book of mine for some light reading at night, and it's called "For Women Only". It is a book that came from the time in my college career where I felt that buying every relationship book under the sun would prepare me for actually having a relationship happen. Many books purchased later, and still no successful relationship. Duped once again by popular Christian culture. Ha! Regardless, I have picked up the book again, and just started the first chapter when it started talking about trust. Men value when a woman trusts them. Lack of trust is the same as not showing them love...it is disrespecting them and downgrading their abilities. The book uses the example of how women often times tell men that "they should just stop for directions", mostly because we don't trust that they will actually find the way out of the middle of nowhere that they have gotten us into. I have to admit, this is a struggle for women in dealing with men. Honestly, we may not trust you. We may assume that we know better. But eventually, when I'm in a marriage, I need to shift my thinking to a point where although I may know how to get where I'm going, or I may think that I know, I'm choosing to put my trust in someone else's abilities.

I think trusting God is somewhat like that. It's a conscious choice to let go and say, although I have done this on my own for a long time, I know that this will work out for the good of everyone involved if I choose to trust you. I know that our relationship was meant to be one of trust. I'm supposed to trust, and he is supposed to take care of me. That's how I want my marriage to be, and that's how I want my relationship with God to be.

So, what does trust look like? Because I sure know one thing. I know it isn't always going to mean I don't get hurt. You can trust your husband's map reading skills all you want and it still doesn't mean you won't get stuck in a ditch somewhere along the way. Sure, I expect that he will get out of the car and push us out of the ditch at some point, but we may both get dirty and frustrated and cold and tired before its all over. Same with life. Do I expect a trust-filled life to be carefree and amazing and like a Disney movie of song and dance. Maybe some days....but I also know that there will be hardships. And trusting God isn't saying, "I trust that you will help me avoid the bad stuff". It means I trust you to see me through the bad things. I trust you to lead me where you want me to go. I trust that you will either bring someone into my life or you will change my desire for that. Why wouldn't I trust that? What kind of God do I serve that would seriously string me along and make me miserable just for kicks? Not my God. I don't know about your God, but my God is too good for that. He is too good for me, but somehow he still thinks I'm the coolest person ever. Literally the coolest person. I'm the kid he brags about. I'm the 50 pictures in God's wallet that he shows off to everyone. So, how do I get off trying to make my own way because I don't trust this God that loves me more than anything to take care of things the way they are meant to be taken care of.

So convicting.

Real life application:
1) I have lots of student loans. And by lots, I mean...I have more than I ever wanted to have, plus about $10,000. And as my trust in the scholarships in the SSW dwindle...I have started to come to terms (although begrudgingly) that I will likely be taking out many more loans to finish off my degree next year. Awesome. I actually cannot even fully express how stressful this has been, and how frustrated I have been with this. But you know what? I feel really convicted that I was supposed to move to Boston. It was the single easiest decision I've ever made in terms of "next steps"...I knew it was right, even if it was hard. So, part of feeling that I made the right move is trusting that God will provide for the move right? God is bigger than my loans. God has plans for how my loans are going to get paid, and they don't involve me prostituting or selling drugs. So, what am I so worried about?
Get over it Dani.

2) I've been incredibly unlucky with my health in the past 7 years of my life. Oprah had a cancer scare last week......at whatever age she is. I've had several legitimate cancer scares starting when I was 18. One so serious it almost affected my decision to come to Boston. This is stressful and hard to come to terms with. I haven't planned my life in my head in all seriousness for several years now, because I have, quite frankly, fear that I won't be around to experience it. Its one thing to be realistic, but to have so much fear that I quit dreaming? I continue to pursue a career...but I can't allow myself to dream about a long life? What's that all about? Way to dream small scale. My little bubble of "self-preservation" is not a mechanism of trust, its a mechanism of selfishness. I'm over it.

3) I'm 26 and have been single almost my entire life. And I don't think I'm half bad and I think I'm worth it and I think the right guy hasn't come along yet. And I trust that God will either bring that right guy along, or will change my heart about wanting it to happen. Its ok to be single forever. Would I be ok with being single forever? No, not really. But do I trust that if God wants me to be single forever that he will change my mind about that? Yeah, I do.

There are more, but its late, and I'm tired. I just think this trust thing needed to be explored....I need to work on it. I need to work on a lot of things, let's be serious, but this is one of the biggies.

Speaking of trust, God...I trust that I will not die from sickness, stress, and "paper-writing induced brain explosion". Cheers to finals!

Wishing and Hoping

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Trust

Monday, November 26, 2012

27 days