So, the Goo Goo Dolls are pretty old school. I can’t really recall the last time I listened
to them.
But as I was riding home on the train tonight, these lyrics
kept running through my head…and with the risk of sounding ridiculous (which…what
else is new?), they kind of shook me when I started considering them further.
I wish for things that I don’t need
All I wanted
And what I chase
won’t set me free
All I wanted
What I chase won’t set me free….that resonates.
Aren’t we all chasing something? Chasing that opportunity that will land us a
bigger paycheck. Chasing after acclaim
and recognition. Chasing after the
American dream…with a white picket fence, husband, and 2 ½ kids. Chasing after that ridiculous ideal that
Hollywood has created and that fairy tales have perpetuated. Chasing after our friends; hoping that even if
it doesn’t feel like we’re keeping up…that we actually are. Chasing something in hopes that if we reach
it, we will feel some freedom. Freedom
to be ourselves more fully. Freedom to
relish in a specified standard of living.
Freedom to do whatever we want.
Freedom to be happy.
Obviously I’m chasing something. I’m chasing almost all of those things. Who doesn’t want to get a job when they
graduate? Who doesn’t want to be
recognized for being super awesome at what you do? Who doesn’t want to fall in love in a fairy
tale setting with fairy tale circumstances?
Who doesn’t want to push aside all the self-deprecation and cynicism and
say for once…yeah, you’re right….I do deserve this and I am worth this much and
I am a fabulous catch who should have been one of the first people off the market…not
one of the last? Who doesn’t want to
have all the pieces fall in line…perfectly?
But what about the freedom aspect of all of those
things. Freedom.
Freedom is a really interesting idea because it means that
you are being liberated and that something no longer has power over you. But all of those things I’m chasing actually
won’t ever bring me freedom. Chasing the
perfect job? How about you land that
perfect job and then you live with near constant worry about the threat of
budget cuts, which is absolutely a reality in my field of work. A job will be an incredible blessing, but it’s
a blessing that can’t ever be taken for granted and which can be ripped away
just as easily as it is given. Chasing
those accolades? Ok, so 50 people stand
up and say you’re incredible. What about
the 1 person that really matters who doesn’t stand up and who says
nothing. Isn’t the hurt surrounding that
still holding you hostage? You find the
perfect man. You find him. He has the sense to notice you exist and are
dateable. You date. You get married. You have kids. What about when sickness happens? What about when one of you is unfaithful even
though you promised each other you never would be? What about when you realize that your
happiness level actually isn’t any higher because he is in your life? And
where is the freedom in telling yourself you are the greatest thing since
sliced bread and that you deserve the world?
Because I’m sorry…do I? Will
convincing myself of that bring me freedom?
Actually I don’t really deserve anything. I kind of suck. And all of you kind of suck too. We are all sucky people. We talk smack about each other. We do hurtful things to one another. We are selfish. We are greedy. We are manipulative. We care way more about
ourselves than anyone else. We
suck. I suck.
So what about finding something that is worth pouring energy
into? Thought space? Time?
Perhaps chasing after something that will ACTUALLY bring me freedom. Freedom from having to think highly of myself
in order to function and feel emotionally stable. Freedom from having to worry about the next
steps because the next steps are planned and trying to negotiate the details of
pre-planned plans is silly. Freedom from
having to bend my morals to fit in. Freedom from believing that in the long run…I
am responsible for providing for myself. Freedom from believing that I have any control
over anything.
God is incredibly cool.
I know he is an incredibly uncool topic amongst a lot of people, and
perhaps amongst some people that are reading this. That makes me sad, because he happens to be
the only thing I have going for me. I
suck in every other way, as outlined above.
I’m chasing hard after things that I hope will complete me, and despite
that, he still sticks around to remind me that if I chase after him…the completing
is done. And he reminds me with Goo Goo
Dolls lyrics.
Life is sweet. And
life is incredibly sour right now also.
Curveballs have been thrown and they aren’t fun. Turns out I’m really
bad at batting. But things will get
better. Because life is sweet. And God is good. And because he is worth chasing, and even
when I forget that, he is still chasing me.
P.S. The fox is appropriate because he is chasing something, but also appropriate because I saw a fox cross the road in front of me on the way home tonight. Probably really crappy luck or something....if so, don't tell me. I've never seen a fox in real life before (except at a zoo), so it was a new experience. I must admit I had visions of him jumping from the bushes and attacking my ankles, but I'm happy to report that I am home safe and have both ankles securely intact.
