Don't you know they murder babies here everyday?

I've taken a considerable amount of time deciding whether I wanted to write this blog, and after reading about the debacle that is going down at World Vision right now, I decided it was appropriate.

Boston University, the beautiful school that I've called home for the last two years, is situated on Commonwealth Avenue in Boston.  Commonwealth is one of those main thoroughfares, and one of the stretches of Boston that I've walked repeatedly over the last few years.  Planned Parenthood is also located on Commonwealth Avenue; right in-between the grocery store and the home of some of my best friends.  I pass Planned Parenthood frequently because I both love food and love my friends.  Avoiding Planned Parenthood means jumping across train tracks; an action I have done occasionally if I see particularly offensive displays of lovelessness being committed outside PP.



The other day, I chanced the sidewalk and unfortunately was met and bombarded with 2 burly gentleman who were handing out brochures outside of PP.  When I chose to avoid eye contact and declined the brochure they were shoving in my face, they yelled after me "Don't you know they murder babies here everyday?".  Now, I suppose I cannot be fully sure of this, but I would be willing to bet a considerable amount of money that these men align themselves with Evangelical Christianity since that is the general population that haunts the front of abortion clinics.

I will admit that my emotions in that moment were not loving.  They were the opposite of loving in fact, and they involved a deep desire to turn around and experience what it feels like to take a physical swing at someone.  My internal reaction to them was inappropriate to be certain, but it did cause me to consider their actions and my reactions for the better part of the past week.

I think what bothers me the most about the way that these guys were interacting is what also bothers me the most about the news regarding World Vision.  World Vision this last week stated that they had spent years praying and had decided to allow the hiring of Christian employees from committed same sex relationships.  They then revoked that decision after there was considerable backlash from supporters; including the pulling of sponsorship's of children that World Vision supports internationally.

I hope that Christians are thinking about this?  What is standing outside of an abortion clinic screaming at people that walk past demonstrating to the world?  What is pulling your donation from a child in need demonstrating to the world?  What exactly is being accomplished in that?

Back to the abortion clinic...we know that babies are "being murdered" here on a daily basis.  I personally hate the idea of abortions....I despise it.  I'm personally pro-life...I would likely never chose abortion for myself.  However, I am not given the authority to make medical decisions or moral judgment calls for other women.  I am not walking in their shoes.  I don't know their stories.  I don't know what that pregnancy means to them.  I don't know their trauma.  I don't know them.  I do not get to make decisions for them and MEN who are screaming on street corners and harassing them as they walk past do not get to make decisions for them either.  Regardless of what your political and moral beliefs are in regards to this issue; there are people on the other end of that platform you have created.  Evangelical Christians have turned their focus on the unheard voice; the voice of the unborn baby.  They have become defenders of this voice, but in doing so, have turned their back on the living, breathing, struggling human being that is standing in front of them.  How about pulling out that old colloquialism "What Would Jesus Do?"  What Would Jesus Do Here?  If you think that Jesus would be standing outside of an abortion clinic screaming at women who were making the toughest decision of their life, I think you are missing the point.  You are missing who Jesus is and what grace is about.

Same goes for World Vision.  First of all, I understand hiring processes.  I understand that Christian organizations are allowed the discretion of discriminating on the basis of religion.  I understand churches being very intentional about choosing staff and elders and maintaining certain standards for those individuals.  I can stand behind that.  Do I stand behind a church-based organization that is in no way spiritually shepherding people to have discriminatory hiring practices regarding sexual orientation....no.  I don't.  But that's my personal viewpoint and it wouldn't impact my decision to give money to the organization. They do good work regardless of whether they hire people that I believe should be hired.  And again, they are allowed that discretion.  Who am I to say otherwise?  But to see Christians pull sponsorship's of children because the organization made a decision to alter that hiring criteria is disturbing.  It demonstrates again a skewed understanding of what really matters here.  It demonstrates again that so many people are actively missing the point.

I loved this quote by Rachel Held Evans who has an incredible blog and she captures it perfectly...

"Simply swapping out sponsored children as one would trade in an old car reveals the fact that your sponsorship isn't really about the child and the community your sponsorship helps; it's about you.  It's about feeling good about the face on the refrigerator, regardless of whose face it is."

To me, this captures perfectly the true inattention that is being paid to the way that Evangelical Christians invest their time, energy, money and relationships to impact this world for the Kingdom.  Shaming abortion seekers on the street, spreading hate messages about LGBTQ folks, and revoking sponsorships for kids because you disagree with an organization's hiring practices. I don't know if some Christians have missed the memo but Jesus actually really loves that girl that just gave up her baby.  He actually really loves her as much as the baby that was lost.  He wants to see her life redeemed.  He wants her to be surrounded by love and he wants to stop the cycle of shit that has brought her there in the first place.  Jesus actually really loves LGBTQ folks too.  He actually loves them just as much as any of us.  Seriously.  Equally.  And Jesus really loves those kiddos that Christians decided to quit loving on because they couldn't put aside their pride and do the right thing.

I'm frustrated.  I'm really sad today and I'm losing hope that real change will ever be seen in the church. I'm losing hope that the Christian church will ever truly embrace the Gospel and push aside politics and platforms.  I'm losing hope that those precious people we interact with on a daily basis are ever going to want to understand who Jesus is.  Evangelical Christians are actively dissuading people from Jesus.  Until that truly sinks in and until change happens, my hope will dwindle.

Inventory

"A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted - mostly because I had assumed that there would be a thousand more."

My work has brought me to a place of realization...

There are a lot of wandering souls in this world.  A lot of deeply lonely people who linger and cross our paths on a daily basis.  A lot of hurt.  A lot of unhappiness.  A lot of pain. A lot of people who haven't experienced "happy" or "loved" or "complete" in a long time.  

That realization and that reminder should be enough to make me stop and take a true inventory of my life and realize how blessed I am.  I should actively and daily be thankful for the many many blessings that I have in my life.  And I'm not.  I take them for granted.  I take people for granted.  I take the simple act of waking up in the morning for granted.  I take privilege for granted.  I take hot food and a warm bed for granted.  I take moments of joy and laughter for granted.  And as the quote says, I take them for granted because I assume there is more to come.  I assume that these things will never not exist.  I assume that I am invincible and will go on indefinitely.  I assume that somehow I deserve those things.  

What will it take for us to live with a true understanding of what we really have?  An honest inventory of our blessings?  

As we head into this Thanksgiving season, I'm reminded of how truly blessed I am.  And I'm not talking blessed as in I have the new IPhone 5 and designer duds in my closet.  I'm talking blessed because I have 7 girlfriends back home who pray for me and send me e-mails that make me laugh out loud in public spaces and know me better than anyone else.  I'm talking blessed because I have found people in Boston who complete my soul...those lost links that I never knew I needed in my life and that I would never have met if I hadn't followed God here.  I'm talking blessed because I have family and friends who love me and support me and never give up on me even when I'm not so sure about myself.  I'm talking blessed because I have heat and warm clothes and food that doesn't come out of a trash can.  I'm talking blessed because I have the freedom and the privilege to move forward and chase my dreams when others do not.  I'm talking blessed.  Really blessed.

This month, take some time to think about what you have and spend less time thinking about what you don't have.  And think of ways to give back to others who have less than you!  

Love you all and wishing you well this holiday season!

Dani

Spokane friends!

Hey Spokane friends!

My parents are getting a new kitchen table and are looking to get rid of the one that they have now!  Here are some photos!  They are asking for $75.00 OBO for the entire set.  They have had the table for about 2 or 3 years, and its one of those taller, barstool type set-ups!  Also, it's nice wood from an actual furniture store.  Basically IKEA price for non-IKEA furniture!  :)

Believe me, if I were living in Spokane right now, I'd be putting some major dibs on these!  They are pretty fab.

If anyone is interested, please let me know and I'll get you in touch with them!!  :)  Their new one is coming this week, so they could part with this ASAP!

Much love!

Sink or Swim

Life is precious.

We say this all the time when something bad happens.  When we are reminded of how temporary our stay in this world is.  When we are reminded that we only have a limited number of opportunities to seize the day. When we realize how heavy those unsaid things will be if you never get the chance to let them out someday.  

Life truly is precious.  A few dear friends of mine and a community that I have come to adore and call my family is hurting tonight.  One of their own lost his life biking across the country to raise money.  He lost his life because someone didn't have the good sense to stay off the road when they weren't capable of driving safely.  

We've all seen that story played out in one way or another in our lives.  We've all experienced tragedy, and we will all experience tragedy again.  But how do we respond to it?

This well-loved guy who had a heart for adventure left this world seizing the day.  Seizing the moment. He left the world trying to accomplish something big, and I think an appropriate way to approach a tragedy like this is to look at your own life and see what ways you aren't living big.  What risks aren't you taking? What words aren't you saying?  What opportunities are you missing?  Where is fear taking over and pushing out life?  What regrets will you have if you go out having not done something bigger than yourself?

My friend Ashley is ten million times braver than I am and she is over in Africa taking chances and living life.  She had a pretty wild rafting accident on the Nile not too long ago, and she said this to us when we asked if she was OK.

"My paddle got caught in a wave and the end (with my first) hit me straight in the eye.  Was so worth it, though.  Sink or swim, I'm diving in.  Hope you do the same wherever you are at."

 Life doesn't owe us anything; including time or safety or health.  But we owe it to ourselves and to God (who has given us life and opportunities) to take full advantage and saddle up. 

Sink or swim, I'm diving in.  Hope you do the same wherever you are at.

What I Chase Won’t Set Me Free

So, the Goo Goo Dolls are pretty old school.  I can’t really recall the last time I listened to them.

But as I was riding home on the train tonight, these lyrics kept running through my head…and with the risk of sounding ridiculous (which…what else is new?), they kind of shook me when I started considering them further.

I wish for things that I don’t need

All I wanted

And what I chase won’t set me free

All I wanted

What I chase won’t set me free….that resonates.

Aren’t we all chasing something?  Chasing that opportunity that will land us a bigger paycheck.  Chasing after acclaim and recognition.  Chasing after the American dream…with a white picket fence, husband, and 2 ½ kids.  Chasing after that ridiculous ideal that Hollywood has created and that fairy tales have perpetuated.  Chasing after our friends; hoping that even if it doesn’t feel like we’re keeping up…that we actually are.  Chasing something in hopes that if we reach it, we will feel some freedom.  Freedom to be ourselves more fully.  Freedom to relish in a specified standard of living.  Freedom to do whatever we want.  Freedom to be happy.

Obviously I’m chasing something.  I’m chasing almost all of those things.  Who doesn’t want to get a job when they graduate?  Who doesn’t want to be recognized for being super awesome at what you do?  Who doesn’t want to fall in love in a fairy tale setting with fairy tale circumstances?  Who doesn’t want to push aside all the self-deprecation and cynicism and say for once…yeah, you’re right….I do deserve this and I am worth this much and I am a fabulous catch who should have been one of the first people off the market…not one of the last?  Who doesn’t want to have all the pieces fall in line…perfectly?

But what about the freedom aspect of all of those things.  Freedom. 

Freedom is a really interesting idea because it means that you are being liberated and that something no longer has power over you.  But all of those things I’m chasing actually won’t ever bring me freedom.  Chasing the perfect job?  How about you land that perfect job and then you live with near constant worry about the threat of budget cuts, which is absolutely a reality in my field of work.  A job will be an incredible blessing, but it’s a blessing that can’t ever be taken for granted and which can be ripped away just as easily as it is given.  Chasing those accolades?  Ok, so 50 people stand up and say you’re incredible.  What about the 1 person that really matters who doesn’t stand up and who says nothing.  Isn’t the hurt surrounding that still holding you hostage?  You find the perfect man.  You find him.  He has the sense to notice you exist and are dateable.  You date.  You get married.  You have kids.  What about when sickness happens?  What about when one of you is unfaithful even though you promised each other you never would be?  What about when you realize that your happiness level actually isn’t any higher because he is in your life?   And where is the freedom in telling yourself you are the greatest thing since sliced bread and that you deserve the world?  Because I’m sorry…do I?  Will convincing myself of that bring me freedom?

Actually I don’t really deserve anything.  I kind of suck.  And all of you kind of suck too.  We are all sucky people.  We talk smack about each other.  We do hurtful things to one another.  We are selfish.  We are greedy.  We are manipulative. We care way more about ourselves than anyone else.  We suck.  I suck. 

So what about finding something that is worth pouring energy into?  Thought space?  Time?  Perhaps chasing after something that will ACTUALLY bring me freedom.  Freedom from having to think highly of myself in order to function and feel emotionally stable.  Freedom from having to worry about the next steps because the next steps are planned and trying to negotiate the details of pre-planned plans is silly.  Freedom from having to bend my morals to fit in.  Freedom from believing that in the long run…I am responsible for providing for myself.  Freedom from believing that I have any control over anything.

God is incredibly cool.  I know he is an incredibly uncool topic amongst a lot of people, and perhaps amongst some people that are reading this.  That makes me sad, because he happens to be the only thing I have going for me.  I suck in every other way, as outlined above.  I’m chasing hard after things that I hope will complete me, and despite that, he still sticks around to remind me that if I chase after him…the completing is done.  And he reminds me with Goo Goo Dolls lyrics.

Life is sweet.  And life is incredibly sour right now also.  Curveballs have been thrown and they aren’t fun. Turns out I’m really bad at batting.  But things will get better.  Because life is sweet.  And God is good.  And because he is worth chasing, and even when I forget that, he is still chasing me.

P.S.  The fox is appropriate because he is chasing something, but also appropriate because I saw a fox cross the road in front of me on the way home tonight.  Probably really crappy luck or something....if so, don't tell me.  I've never seen a fox in real life before (except at a zoo), so it was a new experience.  I must admit I had visions of him jumping from the bushes and attacking my ankles, but I'm happy to report that I am home safe and have both ankles securely intact.

I'm silently judging you...

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them"
Mother Theresa

So, Lent is right around the corner.  I already said I'm giving up chick flicks and thinking/talking about relationships.  I need to purge myself from this constant pressure that is set upon us to find someone to love or to be suitable for love yourself.

But I have another area that I need to work on, and there's no time like the present.  I am extremely judgmental.  Exceedingly so.  I judge strangers.  I judge my friends.  I judge choices that others make.  I judge words that others say.  I judge clothes that people wear.  I judge the way that people look.  I judge everything about every one all the time, and I absolutely hate it.  You know why I hate it?  Because the only reason I'm judging others is to make myself feel better about who I am.

You spend $300.00 on a pair of jeans?  That is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.  At least I have the common sense to see what's important in life, and $300.00 jeans are NOT that.

Your hair is so bleached out that you could snap it off.  Trashy.  At least my hair (although I dye it and could just have easily had a bad dye job and had mine snap off too) doesn't look like that.

Your drinking is out of control.  I'm glad I'm not out of control like that.

You are the most ridiculously sheltered and naive person I've ever met.  At least I have lived a little....

You seriously just degraded that homeless person like that?  I would never be so disrespectful EVER as to treat another human being the way that you just did.

Look at just a few of the thoughts that run through my mind on a regular basis.  I just said or thought all of these within the past week.  And that's just a sampling.  I'd be embarrassed to have half of what I think in my head shared with the world.  This is on my mind because who hasn't felt judged...maybe even currently. I feel 100% sure that sometimes when I leave the room, people at the very least discuss me in a way that they wouldn't if I weren't there. As I sat and examined that more, I realized that I don't particularly have the right to be mad about that unless I can say with a straight face that I don't ever do behind the back talking about them.  And I do.

So back to Lent.  I'm a really strong advocate of giving up things for Lent that are actually intended to bring you closer to God.  If I gave up sugar, I wouldn't get closer.  I'd feel resentful and like an addict who has been forced into rehab. So nothing like that.  But what does God think of my judging?  What does God think about others judging me?

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:1-2

Will my cutting down on judging cause others to judge me less?  No, probably not.  You can't change others, but I can change myself, and I can change the way that I respond to the people that God has placed in my life.  We cross paths with people for a reason.  Every interaction has meaning and I truly believe that God orchestrates life in such a way that we are to genuinely grasp on, go for the ride, and love people while doing it.  I am NOT loving people if I'm busy judging them.  I am not allowing myself to comprehend that they have a journey that I have no understanding of.

So, what if for 40 days, everytime I found myself judging someone, I instead think of something that honors God's creation.  God created each of those people I am judging and loves all of them just as much as he loves me.  Yikes. Reality check. So, doing that can look different depending on the situation.  It can look like praying for someone that needs prayer instead of judging the fact that they do.  It can look like finding something positive to say about someone instead of something negative.  It can mean thinking more deeply about where someone is coming from instead of jumping to my self-centered conclusion.  It could even mean stopping to consider why I'm judging someone with the intent of lowering them and heightening me.

I'm doing it. I'm feeling ambitious this year.  There has to be some point in your life where you stop being a selfish brat and start figuring out what's important.  I may be getting there.  I think its a lifelong process, but you gotta find a jumping-off point.

This task will be particularly hard in regards to these areas of my life:
1) Living in superficial Boston...where I seriously think that 1/2 of the city wastes 3/4 of what they spend on clothes, jewelry, makeup, and cars.
2) Having Republican friend that post "judgment inducing" links on Facebook.
3) Rude bus and T drivers
4) Radically conservative Christians...they kill me.  But they also love Jesus and so do I, so time for middle-ground finding.
5) People that don't like cats...I judge you.  It will be hard not to.

So...starting Wednesday, 40 days of dramatic decreases in judgment holding and dramatic decreases in caring if I'm single for all of eternity!  Yippee.  Thankfully I did not give up wine for Lent, so I will partake in that if all else fails! :)

40 Big Ones

I'm not Catholic, despite the best efforts of my boss at the House of Charity convert me.  However, I have taken a liking to the idea of giving up something for Lent, and actually sticking with it.

I am a really big fan of chick flicks.  But let me explain myself.  I'm a big fan of feeling mopey about my own personal life and then coming out of a new movie energized and believing in love again.  I would like to predict that if you were to poll just about any girl, they would say the same thing.  These movies give you a sense of confidence that something spectacular like that could happen to you.

Here is the real problem with chick flicks, and then I'll get back to Lent.

1)  They are essentially emotional porn for the ladies.  Seriously...I actually am beginning to believe that they are just as damaging to women as porn is to men, and here is my reasoning.  Porn provides men with false expectations and allows them to objectify women and play out their own fantasies without actually committing to a living, breathing human-being with feelings.  What do chick flicks do?  They allow women to harbor false expectations about relationships, cause them to objectify men (guilty as charged....I'll admit it), and allow us to play out our fantasies without committing to a living, breathing human being (while also harboring unreasonable amounts of hope that we one day will be committing to a living, breathing human being...preferably one that looks like Joseph Gordon Levitt.)

2)  They are unrealistic....
I'm not talking Sundance chick flicks....I've seen a few romantic movies that are pretty gut wrenching, and I mean that in a way that an actual relationship is gut wrenching at times.  But romantic comedies are seriously a load of bull and we all know it.  Yet somehow, every woman in America has at one point or another felt that a real relationship could actually closely resemble what is portrayed on screen.  If you try hard enough or wait long enough, that guy that isn't interested in you will fall madly in love with you...realizing that he has wasted an unseemly amount of time being a moron and looking right past you.  Hello ladies...speaking from experience...if he isn't interested, he won't be.  No amount of waiting around is going to change that.  When is the last time that you looked at one of your platonic guy friends and decided that after 10 years of knowing them, you are madly in love with them.  Uh, never.  Thank you.  Next point.

3) And likely my most important point....they really promote the idea that your life validation will be found in a man.  You know what?  If my validation is found in a man, what the hell is my faith all about?  I could have sworn that I was validated by what Christ did on the cross for me, yet somehow, everytime I see a chick flick, I have a little piece of that hope smashed and replaced with an inkling of desire for something more.  Something unattainable.  Satisfaction and validation from another person to somehow complete my soul.

I hope that you get where I'm going with this.  I'm giving up chick flicks for Lent.  And more than that, I'm giving up most everything having to do with relationships, because my relationship with my desire to have a relationship is out of control.  It dominates my life.  It dominates my thought space.  It dominates my conversation.  It overpowers some of the things that are most important in my life....and in fact, it overpowers who Lent is supposed to draw focus to, God.  If I spent 1/2 as much time talking to God instead of talking to my girlfriends about stupid non-existent relationships that we all have fashioned out of nothing...I would have a pretty great prayer life.  If I spent 1/2 as much time reading my Bible or catching up with CS Lewis or my main man Charles Spurgeon as I did watching stupid movies that fill my mind with continual amounts of unhealthy expectations...I'd have a much more rockin walk with the Lord.

So, goodbye girly movies, goodbye obnoxious gossipy and fantastical conversations about relationships, and goodbye study sessions being interrupted with daydreaming and wishing.  For 40 days, starting February 13th, I'm spending time relearning what God is doing in my life...outside of the realm of relationships.  So often I think when we say, "I wish I knew what God was doing in my life"...we mean, I wish I knew why this wonky relationship that I've been dreaming up isn't working?  Why isn't God bringing this guy into my life the way I expect?  But I find myself wanting to ask the "What is God doing in my life?" question in a different context.  How about, where is God leading me for my internship next year?  What is God asking that I pursue this year?  What are some things that God is asking me to drop because they are unhealthy for me?  What and where is God pointing me towards when I graduate?  How is God asking me to spend my money (aka his money)?  What is God trying to tell me that I typically ignore or can't hear over the noise in my own head?  That's what I want to know.

So....we'll see.  All I know is that there is a chick flick I'm dying to see on February 14th, and I hope that at the end of those 40 days, my desire to run out and rent it has been pretty much demolished.

P.S.  Too all you fine people who are giving up Facebook or chocolate...you are brave.  If I suddenly were not allowed to eat peanut M&Ms, my body might go into complete shock.  Noble pursuit.  Too noble for me!  :)

Let's get outta here

Second semester of my MSW program has begun.  I'm already tired.  I'm also feeling trapped in Boston, because after reviewing my assignments for this semester, I'm realizing that my Spring Break and reading period will both be spent indoors in front of my computer.  Freedom seems far away, but in hopeful anticipation, I am spending my evening dreaming of all the places I'd rather be than here.

Someone pay the big bucks and go with me here for either the World Cup or the Olympics.  Please.  

Heaven on Earth

Honolulu?  The Boboths?  Yes please....

Bet your bottom dollar you'll lose the blues in Chicago, Chicago

Jay Swanson makes me want to be here every single day of my life...

I might be addicted to Maine...

Craving the Coast right now.

Uh hello. This terrifies me.  And intrigues me.

Wherever I have to go to hold this little guy....awwwww!!!

The Non-Magic School Bus

I'm honestly surprised it has taken me 3 and a half months to write this blog, considering the ability that this topic has to absolutely send me into a fit of rage.  And I'm not an angry person, I'm actually very laid back....

So here goes...

The MBTA.



I hate it.  I wish I didn't have to spend my money every semester to absolutely hate one out of every two public transportation experiences I have.  I know practically speaking that I need to take the bus and train, and therefore I need to pay the money.  But I think its complete and utter garbage that almost every time I get on a bus or train I want to gouge my eyes out.

I take that back...I like the train.  I have a thing for the train.  The train can stay....it's the buses.

First of all....Bostonian's and particularly Boston University students have absolutely zero bus etiquette. It is actually disturbing that a whole generation of people appears to have been brought up with no common sense at all, and that I'm part of that generation.

Common Sense Bus Etiquette:
1)  If there is an empty seat, please...for the love of God....please someone sit in it.  Men, just a word about this.  If you have a woman who is standing near you, its still expected that you pretend like your mother taught you well and offer the seat up.  If a woman isn't standing near you, sit down.  You can always get up later.  There is nothing more annoying than watching people pile up around this empty seat because no one wants to look selfish and take the seat.  I'll tell you what.  I take the seat every time, unless there is an older or more pregnant woman than me (aka...pregnant at all).

2) Don't stand at the front of the bus and look dumbfounded when the bus driver tells you to move back to allow room for others.  Hello.....the bus is 40 feet long....I don't know if you've noticed, but it goes all the way back.  And all 40 feet of this bus need to be occupied by the 50 shivering, miserable people who are trying to get on the bus and will be stranded at the bus stop if you don't pretend to have a heart and move back.

3) Shower before riding the bus.  Or at least shower the day before riding the bus.  If you haven't showered in a week and are not homeless, I should not be subjected to being in your presence on the bus.  If you are homeless...I will make an exception, because I know showers are hard to come by.

4) Bus driver....stop when someone rings the bell.  Seriously?  How many times does the bus driver have to miss my stop and then tell me its my fault that he missed it.  Yeah, because that makes sense.  Sorry the bell was rung a full 2 blocks in advance....I would have thought that you had enough time to consider stopping.

5) Say thank you and hello to your poor bus driver.  On the same note, bus drivers...acknowledge that you are actually picking up human beings at that bus stop.  It is disheartening to only hear the bus driver speak when they are yelling at someone or swearing at the bad drivers speeding by.

6)  Students...that backpack on your back is a lethal weapon and an absolute annoyance.  Have some thought and spare us all from being knocked aside by your $100.00 chemistry book every time you move.

7) Do not drink so much alcohol that you then ride the bus and puke everywhere.  Last time I checked, the smell of vomit actually makes everyone else around you want to vomit as well.

8) Men, leave the poor girls riding the bus alone. I can speak from experience that headphones are a must-have on the bus...even if you aren't listening to music.  Although, how romantic would it be to tell your grand kids that you met grandpa on the bus.....uh?!??

9) Hey very noisy foreign language speakers that have rapid fire conversations with someone on the phone while on the bus....I guess this isn't an etiquette thing, but I really wish I knew what you were saying and I really wish that unrecognizable gibberish didn't make my head hurt after a long day.

10)  I don't ever want to see your tongue going into the mouth of someone else on the bus.  Get a room...matter of fact...get a car and drive yourselves.

Trust

We had a really good speaker tonight at graduate fellowship through Intervarsity...and I was struck by one thing in particular.  Trusting God.  I think its almost a catch phrase of Christianity...you need to trust God with your life.  Ok.  Sounds simple enough right?  Ok, I'll say it.  God, I trust you with my life.

But do I?  Do my actions and my words and my thoughts and my fears say that I really trust God with my life?  Because if that's the case...why do I worry about some of the things I worry about?  Why do I still spend large amounts of time wondering when Prince Charming is going to come into the picture?  Why do I question if the choices I've made to come to Boston were the right ones?  Why do I second guess myself all the time?  Why do I spend almost all of my decision making time consulting with my own comforts and my own opinions, but rarely consulting with the one that actually matters? When is the last time I prayed about a big decision before I spent hours stressing about it on my own?

I think what it comes down to honestly, is that although I constantly give lip service to the phrase "I trust God", I don't really trust God.  I trust him in some things.....fully even.  But I can't hand over the reigns.  It's like I know better...I've got a better handle on it than he does.

  I have recently picked up an old book of mine for some light reading at night, and it's called "For Women Only".  It is a book that came from the time in my college career where I felt that buying every relationship book under the sun would prepare me for actually having a relationship happen.  Many books purchased later, and still no successful relationship.  Duped once again by popular Christian culture.  Ha!  Regardless, I have picked up the book again, and just started the first chapter when it started talking about trust.  Men value when a woman trusts them.  Lack of trust is the same as not showing them love...it is disrespecting them and downgrading their abilities.  The book uses the example of how women often times tell men that "they should just stop for directions", mostly because we don't trust that they will actually find the way out of the middle of nowhere that they have gotten us into.  I have to admit, this is a struggle for women in dealing with men.  Honestly, we may not trust you.  We may assume that we know better.  But eventually, when I'm in a marriage, I need to shift my thinking to a point where although I may know how to get where I'm going, or I may think that I know, I'm choosing to put my trust in someone else's abilities.

I think trusting God is somewhat like that.  It's a conscious choice to let go and say, although I have done this on my own for a long time, I know that this will work out for the good of everyone involved if I choose to trust you.  I know that our relationship was meant to be one of trust. I'm supposed to trust, and he is supposed to take care of me.  That's how I want my marriage to be, and that's how I want my relationship with God to be.

So, what does trust look like?  Because I sure know one thing.  I know it isn't always going to mean I don't get hurt.  You can trust your husband's map reading skills all you want and it still doesn't mean you won't get stuck in a ditch somewhere along the way.  Sure, I expect that he will get out of the car and push us out of the ditch at some point, but we may both get dirty and frustrated and cold and tired before its all over.  Same with life.  Do I expect a trust-filled life to be carefree and amazing and like a Disney movie of song and dance.  Maybe some days....but I also know that there will be hardships.  And trusting God isn't saying, "I trust that you will help me avoid the bad stuff". It means I trust you to see me through the bad things.  I trust you to lead me where you want me to go.  I trust that you will either bring someone into my life or you will change my desire for that.  Why wouldn't I trust that?  What kind of God do I serve that would seriously string me along and make me miserable just for kicks?  Not my God.  I don't know about your God, but my God is too good for that.  He is too good for me, but somehow he still thinks I'm the coolest person ever.  Literally the coolest person.  I'm the kid he brags about.  I'm the 50 pictures in God's wallet that he shows off to everyone. So, how do I get off trying to make my own way because I don't trust this God that loves me more than anything to take care of things the way they are meant to be taken care of.

So convicting.

Real life application:
1) I have lots of student loans.  And by lots, I mean...I have more than I ever wanted to have, plus about $10,000.  And as my trust in the scholarships in the SSW dwindle...I have started to come to terms (although begrudgingly) that I will likely be taking out many more loans to finish off my degree next year.  Awesome.  I actually cannot even fully express how stressful this has been, and how frustrated I have been with this.  But you know what?  I feel really convicted that I was supposed to move to Boston.  It was the single easiest decision I've ever made in terms of "next steps"...I knew it was right, even if it was hard.  So, part of feeling that I made the right move is trusting that God will provide for the move right?  God is bigger than my loans.  God has plans for how my loans are going to get paid, and they don't involve me prostituting or selling drugs.  So, what am I so worried about?
Get over it Dani.

2) I've been incredibly unlucky with my health in the past 7 years of my life.  Oprah had a cancer scare last week......at whatever age she is.  I've had several legitimate cancer scares starting when I was 18.  One so serious it almost affected my decision to come to Boston.  This is stressful and hard to come to terms with.  I haven't planned my life in my head in all seriousness for several years now, because I have, quite frankly, fear that I won't be around to experience it.  Its one thing to be realistic, but to have so much fear that I quit dreaming?  I continue to pursue a career...but I can't allow myself to dream about a long life?  What's that all about?  Way to dream small scale.  My little bubble of "self-preservation" is not a mechanism of trust, its a mechanism of selfishness.  I'm over it.

3)  I'm 26 and have been single almost my entire life.  And I don't think I'm half bad and I think I'm worth it and I think the right guy hasn't come along yet.  And I trust that God will either bring that right guy along, or will change my heart about wanting it to happen.  Its ok to be single forever.  Would I be ok with being single forever?  No, not really.  But do I trust that if God wants me to be single forever that he will change my mind about that?  Yeah, I do.

There are more, but its late, and I'm tired.  I just think this trust thing needed to be explored....I need to work on it.  I need to work on a lot of things, let's be serious, but this is one of the biggies.

Speaking of trust, God...I trust that I will not die from sickness, stress, and "paper-writing induced brain explosion".  Cheers to finals!

27 days

Top 10 Reasons I Cannot Wait to be Back in Spokane:

1) These people....

Because they continue to love me even though I moved all the way across the country for grad school!

2)   and these people....

The most fabulous best friends a girl could ever ask for.

3) This animal....

Sassy; my 13 year old grouch.  

4) This church...

Because Park Street is great and all, but New Comm is where its at.

5) and this small group...

I get to spend every Monday night with these smoking hot babes.  Be jealous.

6) This place....

Can't get this place off my mind.

and these people...give or take a few... :(

And I can't get these people off my mind either.  Family.

7) This restaurant....

Makes me want to learn French.

8) This holiday....

Please Mom, get me a nightgown just like this.

9) This movie...

AMAZING

with this girl....

EVEN MORE AMAZING.  She's taken boys, keep your claws off.

10) and this night.....oh this night.  

Party hats?  Check! Pink Panty Droppers? Check!  Dick Clark?  Uh oh...

27 more days of Boston, and then homeward bound for two glorious weeks!  Cannot wait!  See you all soon!

Sandy did not play nice...

To my dear friends and family back home: I have not been swept out to sea or blown off the map. But, can I just say that I really appreciate Spokane's mild climate after today?  

Winds started to pick up yesterday, but REALLY picked up today.  The wind was literally shaking the entire house throughout most of the day. We lost power...for 5 minutes (if that). Pretty exciting really...and nothing more than that here in Boston.  Lots of coastal flooding in other places and New York, New Jersey, Maryland, and even Southern Mass need a lot of prayer because their clean-up is going to be a lot more difficult than ours.  I'm sure news coverage has been extensive everywhere in the country, but being on the East Coast, I have seen a lot of images of people that are really going to meet some tough challenges up ahead after this storm. So keep those prayers coming!  

One thought I had during all of this is how much more prepared they were here than they were for Hurricane Katrina.  I guess you can take a political/racial spin with that, or you can chalk it up to a lot of lessons learned following that particular event.  Whatever the case, the response was really good here in Massachusetts and I think most states would agree that their response was good too!

Lots of people out here also like to downplay how bad storms are...  Coming from a location that barely ever has anything worse than a couple feet of snow or an occasional dust storm, this was bad.  Don't let these crazy East Coasters tell you otherwise. 

As for Boston University, they canceled classes today and are canceling any classes that are scheduled  before 11:00 AM tomorrow since transportation is still trying to get up and running again!  This is good for me because I have an 8:00 AM class, and I didn't feel like getting up for it!  I like to think I'm a responsible and motivated graduate student, but if I can have class canceled for any reason at all, I will gladly take it.  :)

Thanks to those that prayed for our safety here.  I'm loving my time here in Boston...natural disasters and all!

All Hallows Eve

Can I just say I have a thing for Halloween?

As I find myself this year, in the land of Halloween...here are my thoughts.

1) I was sick on Halloween last year....and couldn't dress up.  This year I am without a costume, and don't really have plans to get one.  I am turning into an old person...its official. And I'm oddly ok with it, because Halloween ends up costing a lot of money and is kind of exhausting.  There is something so peaceful about forgoing the costumes for a night of pumpkin carving with friends instead.  But I so look forward to sharing the subway with a menagerie of scantily clad zoo animals. Oh college.

2) In light of that, I have had some really great costumes over the years.  This one is top in my books. I'd re-do this one over and over if I could.  It did make the bathroom a challenge though, and we all know how much I go to the bathroom.  Bad news bears.

3) I have two favorite Halloween movies.  Hocus Pocus and Casper.  Now when I say that I love Hocus Pocus, I tend to draw a hefty amount of judgment from my Christian friends.  Yes, my mom thought it was ok to expose me to witchcraft as a young child.  No, I never dabbled in witchcraft as a result of it...phew. Close call.  Shoot, I was way more likely to become a wizard, look how cool Harry Potter is.  Hocus Pocus and Casper are cool for two very different reasons.

A) Hocus Pocus is cool because it is set in Salem, MA...which I don't know if you know this, but I basically live there.  Half hour away...close enough.  It is also cool because the main character's name is Dani.  She was the first girl I ever experienced as having my name.....and turns out she isn't even real.  Disappointment.

B) Casper is cool because its the ultimate romance.  Girl becomes best friends with ghost. They fall in love. Ghost sacrifices for girl. Ghost gets to play Cinderella for the night.  Ghost turns into Devon Sawa....seriously, doesn't get better than that!

4) Pumpkin carving is torturous. The seeds are gross. The guts smell bad.  I'm typically within an inch of ending my life by way of tiny, jagged pumpkin knive.  It's bad news all around.  But it is so worth it when you take cute pictures of your lit up pumpkins all lined up in a row.  

5) I can't wait to be the parent that checks every piece of her kid's Halloween candy to make sure no psychos have shoved razor blades in them.  I feel so bad for the people that seemed just sketchy enough that my mom internally memorized what candy they gave us so that we could throw it away later.  I remember one house we went to had this guy answer the door, and he had painted a third eye onto his forehead.  His candy definitely got tossed later that night...

6) Speaking of trick or treating....why the heck does Halloween land in the fall?  Because I never once got to wear my cute ballerina costume or princess costume without a pair of sweats or jeans underneath and my heavy winter coat over top.  Way to kill a sweet costume, you stupid weather.

7) Home Improvement Halloween episodes are a little slice of heaven.

8) Bobbing for apples is filthy.  It's like being Catholic and drinking off the same wine glass as the entire church.  UGH.

9) Tis the season for scary movies, and I want it to be over.  As much as I love a good natured scare right around Halloween time, I am NOT into having a commercial for Paranormal Activity play 3 times during every commercial break on Hulu.  That trailer haunts my dreams.

10) I was a "bum" for Halloween once.  And I'm a social worker...who has a history of working with the homeless.  I'm the worst.

11) I think I should dress Scooter up even if I have no costume plans of my own.  What do you think of this?

Anonymous

Boston is a busy spot.  It is diverse.  It is constantly moving.  I really love it.  And one aspect that I really loved upon arriving here, I must admit, was not knowing the name of every homeless person on the street.  In Spokane, after two years of working directly with a healthy percentage of the homeless on the streets there, I felt like I couldn't go anywhere without being noticed.  I wasn't anonymous anymore, and they weren't anonymous anymore.  Sometimes it was a good thing, but most of the time I just craved that anonymity again.  I wanted to be able to be in the grocery store without having a conversation with everyone that approached me.  I wanted to be able to wear that short dress out with friends and not have to answer about it on Monday when I got teased about it by someone that saw me.  But as much as I wanted my privacy back, I also desired to not know anything about their hardships anymore.  When you work with people and walk alongside people in that way, everything about you ends up changing.  Your personal politics change.  Your attitude towards your own life and your own circumstances change.  Your biases get tossed or strengthened...depending.  I found myself unable to walk past a homeless person in any context and assume that they suck as human beings...and there actually had been something comforting in that before.  Being oblivious had been great...it took the responsibility off of myself....because it was their fault...it was their problem...not mine.

Now as I arrive here...wishing for some of that obliviousness to come alongside my newfound anonymity...I realize I have no shot of ever having that again.  Homelessness continues to break my heart, and continues to be a driving force behind what I'm doing in social work. My field placement is passionate about human rights and happens to be deeply involved in issues surrounding homelessness and particularly some terrible laws that have been passed in Massachusetts in the last year.  Two of my 6 clients in my caseload are homeless or have been homeless in the last 6 months.  For all the effort I took to get away from this issue....I feel like I'm actually so swallowed up in it and it's so a part of my life, I may actually be linked to it forever.  For all those months that I wished to be here, I now wish to be home some days...I wish I knew what was happening in my guys' lives...I wish I wasn't so anonymous now.  I feel a deep sense of pain when I think of winter coming and the fact that some of our guys may not make it through and that I, in my haste to leave, probably didn't get any real closure with them.

I was riding on the Red Line up towards Harvard yesterday after work and I was standing alongside a multitude of other business people...all of us in our fancy outfits with our books open or IPods on.  I must admit...I've had enough really interesting bus/subway experiences that I tend to shut out life with a book, but I happened to be standing right alongside a guy who was not willing to be shut out.  He was clearly intoxicated and was rambling on about how his wife had died and about how we all thought we were better than him, and a multitude of other things that couldn't be deciphered over the din of the train.  I was just thinking yesterday of how long the Red line train is...and how strange it is when people happen to meet up with people they know on it.  What are the odds really that you would happen to be on the same train, let alone end up in the same car....out of the 20 odd cars on the train.  Now you can choose to just apply this to the likelihood of running into a friend...or you can apply it to the likelihood that you end up standing next to the one person on the train who actually needs some attention.  Figuring that my book could wait and that I could stand to abandon my "no eye contact rule"...I let this guy divulge his life a little bit.  And he was completely pleasant...and he was hurting really badly.  As I look back on that moment, I realize that I don't blame anyone for not paying attention to him, because he was relatively obnoxious, but I would have blamed myself if I hadn't paid attention. People looked on uncomfortably as this guy engaged me...probably thinking I was in over my head or stupid....or both.  And he said his two bits and got off at Central station and I'll probably never see him again.  He won't remember me, and I likely won't remember his face, but for two minutes he was allowed the chance to not be anonymous.

To say that my faith was strengthened while I was at the House of Charity would be a bit of a stretch.  It was really desolate.  It felt really hopeless a lot.  I felt really abandoned in a place that felt miserable some days.  But on the outside of that experience, as I look in, I find that I have a great deal more perspective, and I feel my faith growing as I process it more.  God is so present, even in the most dire circumstances.  The House of Charity is a place where God moves daily...in really big ways and in really small ways.....and it is so much easier to see from the outside in how specifically he is moving.  Along the movement front, one of my dear friends who I completed a church internship a few years ago is getting married in two weeks.  He is absolutely the most thoughtful man I have ever met...he is dedicated to God, he is passionate about people, he loves his son more than anything in this world, and now he also loves his bride-to-be in a way that is so self sacrificing and so beautiful. This man would come to the House of Charity to help with Urban Plunges for the church interns and would just melt into the environment...talking with the clients and listening to their struggles and offering a pat on the back or prayer.  He reminds me of why I am doing what I am doing.  He used to be a client at the House of Charity.  If I had been working there 6 or 7 years ago, I might have known him personally as a meth addict and thought he was a "hopeless case".  Instead, I know him as my friend and an inspiration and enough reason to keep fighting the good fight in this upward battle against homelessness.  I'm reminded when I look at him of how precious second chances are, and I'm challenged to consider my place in being a part of facilitating those second chances as I keep on with my career.



Shameless plug time.  The Poor Man's Meal is this weekend at the House of Charity.  In case you are in Spokane and want to support a worthy organization, please consider this one.  I love the House of Charity because it provides a "no strings attached" approach to serving others.  There are a lot of very selfless and loving people that work there, and I must say a big part of my heart remains there today and with the mission that they carry.  It starts at 11:30 and your ticket price is a donation...I believe its $10.00 a person.  Believe me, the meal alone is easily worth the $10.00...Tami is an amazing chef.  House of Charity runs very nearly on private donations alone, and in this rough economic time, they need all the help they can get.  Thank you for listening to my heart on all of this...love you all!

L is for the way you look at me

This past weekend I had the pleasure to attend something that was so reminiscent of foregone college days that it made my heart insanely happy.  I have gotten involved in my short time of being in Boston with a great church (Park Street...check it, it's REALLY old) and also a great on-campus group called Graduate Christian Fellowship which is the Boston University leg of Intervarsity ministries for Graduate Students.  They had their annual retreat up in New Hampshire on this beautiful "lake" (I say lake loosely coming from the Northwest where we have real lakes) and it was just a really great time.  It included all the requisite aspects of a retreat experience...time that I desperately needed to be with God, worship, a healthy amount of competition (kickball, cake decorating, board games), and time spent with people that love Jesus (this aspect is actually a little rare in Boston...the educated crowd in Boston to a large degree is also not interested in faith.)  Also requisite....the relationship panel. Now, in my Campus Crusade days, I sat through a number of relationship panels.  I went on Summer Project...which was basically a relationship panel in and of itself.  I went to a secular relationship seminar with my high school kids in Moses.  Everyone loves to talk about relationships...and I'm one of them.  But this time around, I didn't go.  I couldn't stand to sit through one more relationship panel and leave with that same old feeling of inadequacy and false hope in imaginary scenarios that I have made in my mind.

My college years were spent mentally chasing after every guy that I could.  I had serious crush after serious crush.  I had stupid crushes that I had no business having.  I watched most of my friends get married....sometimes to people I had liked. Yeah, that puts things in perspective. I can't even speak to how many minor and major heart breaks I have walked through in my college years and since college.  I have been burned...I have been strung along...I have walked down many paths in my mind and then been greeted with nothing.

But this isn't a "woah is me" blog....because I've had plenty of those.  This is meant to be an honest blog, because sometimes all the other voices drown out the single kids and we don't really have an opportunity to be honest.  And this is me being honest.

I would certainly be lying if I said that I don't have moments sitting at home alone at night studying or watching TV that I wish there were someone next to me other than my cat......who, granted, is very faithful...but not very interactive.  I would be lying also if I said I haven't cried some while considering this whole relationship thing after this weekend, because it is personal.  Being single is a personal thing.  Every person experiences it differently and to a different degree.  It hurts some people more than others.  I would say in college it really hurt me....it was a devastating characteristic of who Dani Haller was.  I struggled with figuring out what I was doing wrong and why it was so hard for me and why just about everyone else had succeeded in finding that perfect guy or girl.  I equated being single to failure....

Last Fall, I failed one more time.  I failed to snag that one last guy.  The one that I put an inordinate amount of hope in.  The one that I look back on and was so poorly suited to my personality that we never could have made it anyways.  And with that failure I gave up.  I quit trying, and blessedly....it has been a year that has allowed me a great sense of freedom.  God puts people in our lives for a reason, and that guy was not put in my life to be a viable dating option.  But did I learn from it?  Oh yes, I did.

I think that last guy really broke me up inside because it was a reiteration of the fact that you can't force someone to feel for you in a way that they don't on their own.  You can think someone is the most fantastic person in the whole world, but if they don't return those exact emotions back at you, it isn't going to happen.  And why would you want it to?  Why would you want to date someone who doesn't think you are the coolest person ever...without persuasion on your part?  That's what you are going for.  If they think you are just alright...that kind of stinks.  You know?  And it kind of stinks to assume that you should be able or should have to persuade them to think otherwise anyways.  I wonder what's wrong with acknowledging that they are still an incredibly person while also acknowledging that they are an incredible person that you shouldn't date.

The more I think about singleness, especially in the church, I realize that its counter-cultural to be semi-ok with being single.  Not just getting by while you are single, but actually thriving in that category of life.  I guess something I have considered this year is whether I am living well as a single person, because if I'm not living well as a single person, what do I expect that being a dating person will be like?  Mix another person's "junk" (I mean that in a figurative sense, not a literal one) in with my "junk", and think that we will come out the other end less junky than when we started?  Those problems don't get better because you add another person in the mix.  What am I doing in my life to work on the things that I actually believe God is calling me to work on before I get into a relationship.  I feel like we all have an inkling of what those things are. Now, I know God blesses us with relationships when we are still a MAJOR work in progress...but what about when you know that he is challenging you to work on something and you are waiting it out because you feel like you'll be able to work on it better when you are in a relationship.  Like having another person there for support will motivate you?  Nah...give me a break.  If you feel like God is asking you to move, you move...you don't wait for someone to move with you.  Maybe you are supposed to be totally done with the moving before that person gets there....even if its hard work and you hated doing it alone.

I think that single women in their mid 20s start to feel a sense of desperation.  I have felt that...I can relate.  That feeling that by the time you actually feel ready to date seriously, there won't be anyone left to date.  That feeling that if you are ready, none of the guys you are ready to date are ready to date you.  Or will ever be ready to date you?  The book "He's Just Not That Into You" really hurt my feelings when I first read it, because it was written about me....he was never that into me.  Ever. None of them.  Does that hurt my feelings now?  Somewhat, but its also OK  because where would my life be if "he" (any of the "hes") actually had been into me?

I can tell you one thing...I wouldn't be pursuing my Masters degree to go into a field that I feel I can make a difference in.  I would be in Spokane, WA....or the middle of nowhere WA....doing something mediocre.  Instead I'm pursuing what I feel God has led me to, and undoubtedly what God was leading me to in place of that all powerful relationship idol that I was always grasping for.  I wouldn't be in Boston.  I wouldn't be comfortable with myself and what I stand for.  So much of who I am as a person has been formed in the last 5 years.  And so much of that person was defined by being single...because being single gave me the time and space and freedom to do the defining.

I guess that I hope that this is an encouragement to someone.  I'm not in any way saying that I have this single thing down...did I mention tears earlier?  There is still a real pain in being single at 26 years old while most of my friends are married.  But there is so much joy in every other capacity of life that it outweighs that pain.  And it doesn't mean that I don't know a handful of Mr. Amazing s,  even right now in my life....but a step back and a heaping of perspective says that Mr. Totally Amazing will figure it out on his own and outshine any of these guys that I may perceive to be the "only people on the radar".  And it doesn't make you a loser to wish one of those guys would turn out to be that Mr. Totally Amazing.  I still have fatty crushes, but I also try to maintain some perspective on what the impact of those crushes not liking me back would be.  If the impact falls somewhere along the line between "total devastation" and "nuclear holocaust", I am investing too much emotion.  Harmless fun is allowed and encouraged in my book, total meltdown status is not.

P.S.  I love you married people.  And I look forward to providing you all a chance to embarrass me as much as I embarrassed you at my Bachelorette party someday!  :)  I just may be 40 before that happens, so start thinking of age appropriate Bachelorette activities....

Won't Back Down

Oh how naive I am....even at the ripe old age of 26.

This week I took a very interesting path down finding out what it feels like to go broke via emergency veterinary care.  Let me just say....it doesn't feel good and I don't want to do it anymore.  Interesting thing about when your cat decides to skip the "cry for help" stage and go straight for the poison....you get sucked into some expensive vet care.   And he gets to continue living...better luck next time sucker.

Now, I was initially impressed by the care he received the day I first brought him in...but that was because I was terrified and willing to spend anything to keep him alive.  5 days later, I feel like I've been manipulated...much like I feel when I take my car into a Jiffy Lube for an oil change and leave with replaced air filters and shiny tires and a patched up windshield.  So, just to walk into the door of this place as an emergency case, is $160.00.  No joke.  That is for registration and an office visit.  Which is interesting...because registration is me telling the receptionist that my name is Dani and that I have an address and a phone number.  That costs $11.00.  The office visit was interesting, because they then charged another office visit on top of that...plus money to make him throw up and take two expensive blood tests.  Oh, I forgot to mention too that in order to even take a pet into this emergency clinic...you have to call the ASPCA Poison hotline for a consultation....this costs $60.00 right up front.  I get that...its helping a non-profit.  But I think its interesting that you need that to show up to this ASPCA clinic...with doctors who should know just as much as the poison doctors do...they all go through the same schooling.  Sounds like a scam....but being a "freaking-out" pet owner...I forgot to consider scams.  So, I'm $200.00 deep before they even look at the poor thing.  And then $299.00 for the extra office visit (?) and all the other stuff...and I get to leave.

I might add that this all happened as I was getting ready to head to work and was in the midst of getting breakfast going.  Since I didn't eat, I was starving at the clinic.  I asked where there was a Starbucks nearby so I could run and grab something to eat.  She advised me that we couldn't leave the facility unless I left a deposit.  Yes, because I'm going to abandon my disabled, poisoned cat at your facility.  Are ya kidding me?

And that wasn't even the half of it....every night this week (Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and tonight), I went and spent $81.00 to get a blood test done($20.00 more than I was told it would be I might add...my doctor distinctly told me that it would be $60.00...the cost of the test and no charge for an office visit.  When I brought this up, they said they don't do that and that I would need to speak with the doctor to get written permission for that to be refunded back to me.  Yeah, like that will happen).  And his test results came back slightly off tonight (his last scheduled night of tests), so I imagine that they will ask me to come back for another tomorrow.  So, I'm sitting at about $820.00 plus some cab fares....about $900.00 right now.  And to throw a cherry on top of everything (Jiffy Lube), they said they heard what they thought was an irregular heartbeat in him, and that we should consider an EKG.....at some point....not life threatening RIGHT NOW.  I'll give you an irregular heart beat.

Holy crud...they saw a sucker and they worked me hard.  I have gotten on Yelp and read some reviews and discovered I'm not the only fool that has shelled out an arm and a leg.  Makes me feel less like a moron...which is good.  I needed that.

So, it remains to be seen if I'll be eating Ramen for the rest of my life...or if this cat will just buck up and quit "needing" tests.  I need a real veterinarian.....this place is taking me for all I'm worth.  I miss home.

There is something incredibly lonely about being in a new place during a mini-crisis such as this.  My roommates are heaven sent and have been wonderful...hands down.  But you can't help but wish you weren't here when things like this happen...nothing is easy here.  Nothing is close by.  People aren't always friendly.  EVERYTHING is expensive.  Nothing is familiar.   People that should be dependable disappoint...in really big and kind of inexcusable ways.  Reality.  Boston is fantastic and I love my new home, but it isn't a fairy tale land of perfection.  It still sucks some days.

But, because life is bigger than this crisis and this bad week and myself and this city and this world even....God is good.  And he continues to provide me sanity in the midst of this mild insanity.  Life can be so much worse than this....this is nothing.  This is stressful and hard and potentially could be really sad if it doesn't work out well, but life can be so much harder and so much more sad.  I have friends who are struggling right now with feeling God's goodness.  I can relate...sometimes there is not a single thing that looks good...not one.

I was listening to Pandora today and this song came on, and it is such a sweet reminder of what faith looks like....knowing that even if everything else falls around us, God is the one standing there holding us up still.  Sometimes that is the only good thing, that you are still standing there.  But hey, that's one thing to praise Him for.

For those of you that are reading this that are far away (which will be everyone)...I love you guys and miss you.  Also, to you West Coasters...I have been here for a month now and I can confidently say that the West Coast is indeed the best Coast.  Let's put these fools in their place.

Lovely gifts

Things I'm Thankful for Today:

1) Allergy pills.

2) The ability to still write decent papers (pending grading) after being out of school for the last 3 years...

3) Living on top of the ocean after basically being an ocean virgin for so many years...I LOVE the ocean.

4) Having really incredible friends....and I mean really incredible.  Smart, beautiful, motivated, supportive...I've been blessed.

5) Having survived and experienced two years at House of Charity.  For all the challenges, there was literally no better preparation for what I'm doing now.

6) Second chances

7) My mom putting money on my Starbucks gift card.  Nothing makes my Tuesdays better than my morning oatmeal and drip coffee w/ hazelnut and room for cream. :)

8) Having such a great small group back home that I actually miss them like crazy now.  You realize just how blessed you have been when you move away and can't find something quite like that again.

9) Drop in humidity...thank you Jesus.

10) My padre coming to visit me this weekend, a trip to see the lights of the big city next weekend (NYC baby!), and a retreat in New Hampshire the weekend after that!  :)

11) Banana bread

12) A cat that is finally healthy again after being sick all weekend.

13) By the grace of God, NOT getting a full-blown cold even though I feel like I just barely dodged it...

14) Care packages

15) Opportunities to NOT be studying.....

Midnight musings...

Ye of little faith....

This describes me.  To the exact letter.

I spent the last 6 months really really anxiously anticipating my move out here to Boston.  I made and remade budgets.  I e-mailed my financial aid counselor repeatedly....so much so that I think she can't stand me now.  I went over the details of this huge shift in my life over and over, and still in my mind, I could see it not working out.  I could see it falling flat.  I could see myself moving here...hating it...wishing I hadn't taken out the student loans...wishing I hadn't uprooted my life....trying to figure out a way to backtrack and reclaim it all.

And here I am.  And there is zero of that remorse.  In fact, the longer I'm here, the more and more excited I get about what I'm doing here.  I was just talking to one of my best friends on the phone today saying that I desperately miss everyone....but not so desperately that I'm falling apart.  I miss them because I love them and they are my support system, but I'm also doing just fine with them at a distance.  Best case scenario...really.  Because my first week that I left for undergrad at WSU, I almost lost my mind.  After being here 10 days, I still have mine intact.  Making progress.

I really feel like I'm supposed to be here.  What for I don't know...but I do know it's not about me. I could do this anywhere.  Every door opened wide for me to come here at this time and under these circumstances, so I'm convinced God has something in store...he always does.

So, today was the official start of classes and my internship.  Class was just as I expected class to be...long....wordy....but worthwhile.  You know, where you know you will learn a lot, but it won't necessarily be fun while doing it.  That kind of class.  It is covering my least favorite subject, but it has what I think will be the coolest assignment.  We are going to be doing macro based case studies on a community within Boston.  Now, I have a raging love affair for the North End, which is a predominantly Italian-American population.  I also know NOTHING about this population, so there ya go.  Found my case study.  We, although this is nerve wracking and a little ridiculous that I'm looking forward to this, get to go out in the community and interview members of that neighborhood.  We get to ask questions about who the respected community leaders are, what people's experiences are, how a changing cityscape has altered their community, and what their perceived strengths and weaknesses are.  The North End is home to most of the historical sites that we think of as being "Boston" (aka the Old North Church, Paul Revere's House, etc...), but this is a really vibrant Italian neighborhood now...where little old men sit on their doorsteps and watch the world move around them.  I love it.  I can't wait.

My internship is also going to be great.  I have an office, with my name on the outside of the door. I get to decorate it however I want.  I also am reviewing cases and have just received my own first case, and am going to be working with some really different people than I worked with at the House of Charity.  Starting school has really put a lot of my work last year in perspective.  I was SO burnt out by the end of the two years at House of Charity that I was running on empty.  Coming here and getting fresh perspective and additional education will help me figure out my past experiences and delve into new ones with a greater appreciation for the people I'm serving.  Just an idea of what I'm going to be doing.  My first case is already breaking my heart. When you hear of a mother of 6 that is sleeping on the floor in her apartment in the projects so that her newborn can sleep safely in the only open bed....it reaffirms why I want and need to be a part of this profession.  And I need to find that lady a crib!

So, as you can see, I'm settling in nicely.  The coming weeks should be REALLY fun!  I'm getting involved with a cool church in town called Park Street.  So, that is filling a lot of downtime I would have, but its allowing me to feel really connected with a church community again, which is REALLY good.  Also, my Dad is coming to town in two weeks, and that will be quickly followed by trips to NYC and New Hampshire!  So much to see and do before the weather gets cold!  Not to mention...Halloween!  I just ate 6 Halloween Oreos...I'm getting into the season.

Love you all!
P.S.  If you live in Spokane, just because I'm having fun doesn't mean I don't miss you.  Because I do.

Boston University

It seems as though in the midst of all the fun that the East Coast has to offer, I have failed to talk much about what I'm actually here for...which is school.

So, Boston University is a strange campus.  It runs along Commonwealth Avenue (aka Comm Ave) in Downtown Boston, which is a very very close neighborhood to Fenway.  The student bookstore is about a 5 minute walk from Fenway.  As for the campus itself...Comm Ave is ridiculously long, as is the campus.  I'm used to a campus that has some sort of central square or a central building to it.  This is not like that.  It is 2 miles long and about two streets deep.  Weird huh?  Thankfully there is a Starbucks on campus...so, you will hear no complaints from me.  Other interesting facts, Elie Wiesel teaches here.  Currently.  As in, I could go to his office tomorrow and duck my head inside.  Is that not the coolest thing ever?  Alexander Graham Bell taught here and invented the phone in a BU lab.  Also, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. received his doctorate here in 1955.  Pretty incredible.  Lots of very cool, very intelligent people.

As for the feel of school.  I'm VERY uncool style-wise.  Ok, I'm not going to lie.  I thought I was pretty with it when I came out here, but apparently I'm about 3 years behind.  Thankfully for me, I don't feel it necessary to make myself into a style queen, so aside from maybe making a few updates here and there, I'm going to live in the past baby!  Most people (especially in my grad program) are VERY friendly.  None of the bad East Coast attitudes I had been warned of out here.  Loving that so far.  But check out this fad...not going here EVER.  I have seen a lot of butt cheeks hanging out the bottom of shorts in the last few days...and not a single person wearing normal shorts.  So excuse me for being uncool, at least my cheeks aren't popping out to say hello.  West Coast, watch out...these high-waisted monsters are coming for you.

So, I picked Boston University because it was a Top 25 grad school and because I loved the city.  Pretty easy.  It happened to be the only grad school I applied to, which looking at the statistics, may have been a really reckless decision.  They only accepted 50% of applicants this year, so the odds of me getting a big fat denial letter in the mail were not totally on my side.  Thankfully, they thought I was fabulous or at least good enough, and here I am.

So, let me give you a little bit of information as far as school rankings go.

University of Washington is #3 but wait lists a TON of people.  And it's practically in my backyard....boring.

Boston College is #10, but is about double what I pay in tuition at Boston University.  Which I might add, is already an arm and both of my legs.

Boston University is ranked #16th along with NYU and Hunter which are arguably some of the most reknowned programs in the field of Social Work.

Eastern Washington University was ranked #104...in the country.  So, it would have been a really economical option, but it wouldn't necessarily have been a good option.  And as much as I love Cheney, this is a pretty big upgrade....

So, back to school.  I just finished orientation for both the program as a whole and for my field education (aka internship).  Class wise, I am taking the basics that every first semester MSW student takes.  That includes (don't get too excited now); Human Behavior, Welfare Policy, Intro to Clinical Practice and Intro to Macro Practice.  The first two are pretty self explanatory, but let me fill you in on the Clinical vs. Macro stuff.  Clinical is the area of social work that is more therapy based.  This includes case management, group therapy, individual and family therapy, trauma work, etc...  I am a Clinical major, so my focus is going to fall somewhere either in the very broad category of the major, or somewhere within a focus group.  I'm leaning towards the trauma certificate program.  As for Macro, that is more based around development and management.  Many of the Macro majors are involved in internships that are linked to grassroots organizations and lobby groups and people that are working to change non-profits from the inside out.

Anyways, each of my classes are about 3-4 hours each and meet once a week.  Nothing crazy.  The crazy part of classes are that by next Wednesday, after my last class of the week, I will have been expected to have read almost 300 pages of readings.  I have about 95 that are due by Monday's evening class alone.  They are not fooling when they say grad school is going to be harder.... I went to the library to print the syllabi today and it was almost 100 pages....for 4 classes.  Lord help me.  Then on top of that, I am working 16 hours a week at Greater Boston Legal Services providing wraparound services for the clients that come in to receive assistance from the lawyers.  Greater Boston Legal Services is a pro-bono law firm (which I LOVE) that is really really a massive undertaking.  They have a large number of attorneys that donate their time to help disadvantaged individuals and families in Boston, of which there are many.

I am also working 10 hours a week doing research in the Human Development and Behavior Department, and its probably not super secret research, but I don't know what it is yet...so, I couldn't tell you.

As if that weren't enough...gotta count in church and small group.  Thankfully, and much as an answer to prayers, I have found a pretty good on-campus graduate group that meets to do Bible study and fellowship once a week and through that got plugged into what is said to be a great church.  And I don't even have to sit alone on my first Sunday, pretty great...all my fears being vanquished.  So, with all this....it hardly leaves enough time to eat and sleep.

So ultimate goal in all of this...you might ask?  All I know is that I can sit for my boards and become licensed as soon as I graduate from the program.  That would be a test I'd take here in Massachusetts (which is a fairly easy state for licensing guidelines and requirements).  The licensure is transferrable, which is good too...considering that Massachusetts is great and all, but so is the Northwest.  And after that I have no idea.  I don't have a specific area that I am determined to be working in yet, because there are so many options and two years of school to explore it.  I feel like undergrad was all about knowing right away what you wanted to do after school.  I want to actually take my time this time around and roll with the punches a little bit more.  I don't want to get pigeon holed into something that I'm ultimately not happy with by trying to tighten down on one particular area too early.

So, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  I really appreciate those of you that actually take the time to read these boring things and care about my life enough to listen to me vent.  Really I haven't hit any walls yet and I feel like somehow this is right where God wanted me.  I am typically a very anxious person (as you all know), but I feel so certain about all this....it is such a relief to not feel a full blown panic attack at the thought of being so far from home and so overwhelmed with newness.  It is literally by the grace of God that I am adjusting so well.

I miss you all.  A lot.  Sometimes more than others.  It hit me today when I was in a Walgreen's that I am really missing normal things.  P.S.  Mom, if you are reading this.  They don't sell Chocolate Malt O'Meal here and they only make Hormel (aka Horrible) Chili out here.  Send me the good stuff!  :)